Update from Boston

I might just as well be honest—I have wasted an hour and a half looking at police, ATF agents, FBI agents, drug agents with dogs, and other assorted law enforcement personnel, all of whom…are looking at a grey house at the corner of….

…oh wait, the media has been asked not to reveal precise locations.

So, if Dzhokhar A. Tsarnaev, one of the two brothers suspected in the bombing at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, is reading this…HAH! You won’t get it from me!

I tell myself, ‘hey, if nobody is working in Boston, why should you? Who needs to read Iguanas every day?’ And at any moment, the cops could move in, there could be a gun fight, and maybe even an explosion, since authorities—I know this fact because I’ve heard it thirty times—at a Boston-area hospital have reported that Dzhokhar's brother, who is now dead, came in with gunshot wounds AND shrapnel. This means that he had an IED—please notice how casually I’m using the term—strapped on him. (For those who don’t know, I can now smugly tell you that it’s an “improvised explosive device.” (¿Bíjte?)

There is a nineteen-year old kid (the media reports him as armed and extremely dangerous—“we know,” said one broadcaster darkly, “just what he is capable of…”) who last night robbed a convenience store, shot dead an MIT policeman, wounded critically an MBTA agent, and hijacked a black Mercedes Benz. As well, he kidnapped the owner of the vehicle before releasing him unharmed half an hour later.

And now, the entire Boston metropolitan area is under lockdown. Stay in your homes, we are warned. Do not open your door to anyone but a duly identified policeman.

Well, let me take a break here to show you this photo:

Readers—attention! The individual on the right with his arm place over the torso of the other individual and in front of the glasses containing an orange fluid that might be orange juice is the highly dangerous suspect, Dzhokhar. If you see this individual you should NOT try to apprehend him, but rather seek shelter immediately and then proceed to notify your local law enforcement agencies by calling this number: 1-800-494-TIPS.

OK—so I’ve done my duty here both to my readers and to society at large. I can also inform you—since I went to the bathroom and then just thought I’d update myself on this emerging situation—that the president was briefed overnight on the developments and has activated the situation room at the White House. Great—we got Barry on it, and if he can bring down bin Laden, a 19 year-old should be child’s play. 

I myself am thinking of contacting—no, not official enough—of communicating or putting myself into communication with local, state, or federal law enforcement personnel to notify them that the individuals in question seem to be in a kitchen with two stoves. This appears to me to be a fact of extreme importance, though at this point in time and in the investigation process it may be premature—or even dangerous—to speculate or make hasty conclusions. More important is the fact that both stoves appear to be functional—at least one of them there appears to be a pot that may be connected with the recent activity of food preparation, as evidenced by the presence of apparent food items on the table. There is a steam kettle on the other stove. This could be significant if the brothers are, as media reports them to be, of Russian origin. The Russians love their tea!

This just in—the grey Honda with the license plate CRV-E58 has been located, so we can all cross that off the list of things to monitor in this fluid and emerging situation. Oh, and no fear, Canadian readers—the border patrol is monitoring the border and working in close communication with United States officials. So you’re safe up there.

I break to report—with shame—that ABC news has made a horrible gaffe and is very wrongly reporting the name of a Watertown street which is being evacuated. Guys! Get a little professionalism here, hunh?

Well, I’ve done my duty, I do think, down here in sunny Puerto Rico, of keeping my readership abreast of the troubling developments taking place even as we speak in the city and neighboring communities of Boston, Massachusetts. I’d like to urge you, as so many others have done, that your personal safety and the personal safety of those you love is the number priority for you at this point in time.

Lastly, all indications are that, yet again, the two suspects were quiet, good students, fine athletes, courteous, and even played the piano! So, if you or anyone you know should happen to know an individual with some or all of those characteristics, I urge you immediately to contact local authorities and report any suspicious behavior or activity.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.