Of God and Jellyfish

All right, we do many things well down here. Friendships, for example—we have wonderful friends. Oh, and family—also very big. And nobody has ever said we can’t dance, much less party.

But it has to be said: we’re behind in a few areas. Which is why I’ve been rubbing my eyes, this morning, trying to figure out the hoopla accompanying what is a major triumph for LGBT folks—the passage in the Senate of Puerto Rico of a law prohibiting discrimination based on homosexuality in employment, housing, public places, businesses and public transportation.

Does this seem a little 80’s?

Well, it was the topic of morning radio, both yesterday and today, which may be why the essential weirdness of it all seemed greater than perhaps it is—I was half asleep when mulling it all.

Consider, for example, the senator whose vote was seen as crucial. She only voted in favor if the phrase “real or perceived” after the word “homosexuality” was removed.  Why? What was her objection? Is it OK to discriminate a perceived homosexual but not a real one? Oh, and another senator popped in to the debate—would couples be forced to demonstrate in a court of law that they were truly homosexual, not perceivedly homosexual?

Then we have the religious leaders—all of whom are saying words like the following:

Respetamos los derechos de la comunidad gay y lesbiana, pero nosotros entendemos que esto es un comienzo. No ha perdido nadie aquí. Esto es una batalla y la vamos a seguir. Entendemos que esto va a llegar a que sea el pueblo el que decida en un referéndum nacional”, dijo Robert Gómez, obispo de la Iglesia Evangélica Jesucristo Fuente de Amor.

OK—short translation:

We respect the rights of the gay and lesbian community, BUT (knew that word was coming, didn’t you?) we believe this is a beginning. Nothing has been lost here. It’s a battle that we will follow. We believe this is going to come to a referendum and that the people will decide, said Robert Gómez, bishop of the Jesus Christ Fountain of Love Evangelical Church.

Well, Robert Gómez, bishop of the Jesus Christ Fountain of Love Evangelical Church, I’m not sure how much respect I have for you. Oh, and by the way, did you get to be “bishop” without taking a class or two of church history? Because there was a time when you guys were not too popular, and might not have fared so well in a referendum.

I don’t get it—this absolute love we have for these crazy Evangelical churches and their loopy ministers. All of my students at Wal-Mart were incredibly devout—even now I wince when I’m on Facebook and wade through the syrupy pastel messages of unconditional love from you-know-whom. All of the students also knew someone who was gay—someone they loved and would do anything for. Oh, and someone they would ardently defend, were he or she actively persecuted.

That said, it was almost a relief to come upon an actual Catholic, though what has become of the Catholic Church recently is terrifying. (I heard Whitney Houston blaring out of a 17^th century church recently….)

It’s the blurring of the lines between religion, entertainment, and commerce that gets me. Consider, for example, La Iglesia Fuente de Agua Viva, which in fact you will consider, if you make a left turn leaving the airport. Because soon you’ll come upon an enormous tower, called La Torre de Oración, or The Prayer Tower. Here—have a look…..  

The exterior is impressive, but really, it’s the interior that stands out. On entering, after the half mile walk through the parking lot—and no, I’m not exaggerating—you are immediately confronted with shops. Shops selling religious items, candles, books. Oh, but also there is a popcorn stand, and little rides for the kids. It is, in short, not much different from Plaza las Américas.

Oh, but wait until you go in to the Sala de Adoración, or the Worship Hall—you’re in the largest space—oh forget it, just look at the picture below… 

Oh, and pews? Nah, let's get comfortable because we're gonna be here for hours, and besides, where to put the popcorn? So we have movie theater seats. And this is just one part of the building, which also houses a radio station as well as a TV station. Because the Fuente has splashed over into Florida, as well. So it nice—you can be connected at all times.

Fussy readers may be wondering about the theological underpinnings of it all, and here I can help, since it was explained to me a decade ago. I remembered it for its startling lack of imagination—hold on, you’re gonna be swept off your feet. Right—so let me present it as a play:

(The scene is the stage of the Sala de Oración. The Reverend Otoniel Font steps out, visible only on the large screen behind him. He extends his arms and looks heavenward….)

Reverend Otoniel: “God wants you to be rich. He wants me to be rich, he wants you to be rich, he wants everyone to be rich. Here’s my wife—honey, come out and show them what you bought at Cartier’s on our most recent trip to Paris, where we stayed in the penthouse of the Paris Ritz!”

(The Reverendess Omayra Font steps forward, wearing a diamond necklace. The diamonds are as big as ice cubes. The crowd roars approval! The Reverendess looks adoringly at her husband!)

Reverend Otoniel: “And how much did that necklace cost!”

Reverendess Omayra: “Who knows! If ya gotta ask, you can't afford 'em!”

(The reverend paces the stage, animatedly telling his story.)

Reverend: “Don’t think we always had money. There were times, right out of college, that I didn’t have money for lunch. We were living check to check, and I hated the thought that Omayra might have to work. But there didn’t seem any way out. One day, I entered a church, began to cry, and then to pray. I asked God for help, and he told me, ‘as much as you give me, as much shall I reward thee!’ And I realized, the secret to wealth was to give, give, give as much as you can to spread the word of God and to allow him to spread his wealth on you. And from that day on….”

Yes, Dear Reader—it’s the oldest song a religious huckster ever sang. And it seemed, for a time, to be working. The church built a Bible Museum, they commissioned an architectural firm to design a huge campus, they got into debt, and then, last October, declared bankruptcy.

Or rather, their two corporations did. So my bank is out 15 million bucks to these idiots, and I, through the bank’s outrageous fees and miniscule interest rates, am paying for it all. In the meantime, the Reverends Font are continuing their message: homosexuality is made, not born, and comes directly from, yes…

…Satan.

Take a look, finally, at the clip below. But first, let me assure you…

God really, really, REALLY wants you to be rich!