Justin Who?

I won’t, I absolutely won’t rant. I’ll say it again—I won’t rant because it’s Monday and besides, even if it weren’t, who needs a rant?

So I tell you with a heart bursting with charity that somebody named Justin Bieber came to town and what happened? The island went nuts. Well, the female half of the island. OK—female and young.

I know this because the New Day, our local paper, told me so. And they also stated that Bieber had requested an escort to the airport; apparently, he feared his fans, and from the clips I saw on YouTube, it’s easy to see why. To be young, female, Latin, in full rapture, and surrounded by thousands just like you—right, I’d be calling the Feds, too.

I owed it, I thought, to my readers to listen to some Bieber and so I zipped over to YouTube and listened to “One Less Lonely Girl,” which is to music as bubblegum is to food. Bieber sings fairly well, makes some mildly simian gestures and then, at the end, places a gaudy crown or tiara on the head of a teenage girl—the poor girl is almost catatonic in shock.

Right—then I headed over to Wikipedia to get the dope on Bieber, who is 19 years old and made 55 million bucks last year. Or maybe it wasn’t—but it was some ridiculous sum. Oh, and apparently he offended people by writing in the Anne Frank guestbook that Anne was a great girl, and he hoped she would have been a “belieber”—yes, computer, that’s what they call themselves—if she were around today.

Wikipedia also filled me in on how Bieber got discovered. Here, for any 13-year olds reading, is how it’s done:

While searching for videos of a different singer, Scooter Braun, a former marketing executive of So So Def, clicked on one of Bieber's 2007 videos by accident. Impressed, Braun tracked down the theater Bieber was performing in, located Bieber's school, and finally contacted Mallette, who was reluctant because of Braun's Jewish religion; she remembered praying, "God, I gave him to you. You could send me a Christian man, a Christian label!... you don’t want this Jewish kid to be Justin’s man, do you?"[19] However, after praying with her church elders and receiving their encouragement, she permitted Braun to fly Bieber, then 13,[10] to Atlanta, Georgia, to record demo tapes.[19] A week after arriving, Bieber sang for R&B singer/songwriter Usher.[28]

OK—got that taken care of!

I can tell you this without the usual rant of the classical musician—who made five dollars three days ago, when a stranger overhearing me play whipped out his wallet, bless him!—because I know the story of Louis George Maurice Adolphe Roche Albert Abel Antonio Alexandre Noë Jean Lucien Daniel Eugène Joseph-le-brun Joseph-Barême Thomas Thomas Thomas-Thomas Pierre Arbon Pierre-Maurel Barthélemi Artus Alphonse Bertrand Dieudonné Emanuel Josué Vincent Luc Michel Jules-de-la-plane Jules-Bazin Julio César Jullien.

Why the 36 names? Well, he had 36 godfathers, all drawn from the Sisteron Philharmonic. So with that baggage, it was natural to go to the conservatory at Paris, at which, sadly, he didn’t excel. Instead, he engaged in “light” music, and that was enough to sink him. He fled Paris to avoid his creditors—always a good reason to be on the road—and went to London, where he formed a good orchestra.

And he was a huge success—the audiences loved him. Why? Because he was a showman; here, let someone else describe it…. 

His orchestra played at a series of summer concerts (called Concerts d’été). Later he conducted a series of winter concerts (Concerts d’hiver). Although he was a good conductor he was a great showman. He would make a big show of putting on his white gloves which were given to him on a silver plate. He used a special baton (conductor’s stick) which had jewels in it when he conducted Beethoven. He wore a white waistcoat and enormous wrist bands, and he had a huge moustache and long, black hair. He would throw himself around when conducting and finish by sinking into a velvet chair. The audience loved it, especially when he added military bands to his orchestra. He used to conduct facing the audience. He conducted concerts in the London theatres and parks (promenade concerts).

Jullien’s programmes included works by the great composers, e.g. Beethoven and Mozart, but they were always mixed with light music: dances, quadrilles, marches, etc. He often added lots of extra instruments to the great classics, e.g. when he conducted Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony he added four ophicleides, a saxophone and side drums.

Well, that detail—“he used to conduct facing the audience”—does tell it all, doesn’t it?

And one of his quadrilles, as I remember it, featured an enormous structure, which—guess what?—was set on fire. Yes, on fire. And then what happened? Of course, the firemen rushed in and put out the blaze and audiences went nuts.

Well, I can’t have made this up because there is in fact the following photo:

There is, however, absolutely nothing of Louis Antoine Jullien on YouTube, nor is there much information about him on the Internet. He died broke in Paris in 1860, but was still remembered two decades later. W. S. Gilbert mentioned him in Patience as “Jullien, the eminent musico,” in 1881.

So if, like me, you’re going about your business and saying, “who’s Justin Bieber?” when he stumbles into your path, relax. Take a deep breath. You’re not behind the times.

You’re ahead of them!