98 Bucks, Five Hours Waiting, One Broken Nose

Right—it was a standing joke, in those days when I dedicated myself to pounding on tables and throwing pencils at the students (ostensibly, I was teaching English at Wal-Mart).

Supercilious Student: “Are you working Black Friday this year, Marc?”

Marc (too serious): “I most certainly am!”

SS (leaning in and peering into Marc’s face): “Really, Marc!”

Marc: “Not only will I be there, but I will be opening the door!”

SS: “Are you sure?”

Marc: “Nor is that all. I intend to address the crowd. I will emphasize that we Puerto Ricans are a gentle, peaceable, and tranquil people. Therefore, I will ask for a minute of silence, as we ponder the true meaning of Christmas: the amazing and miraculous gift of a son, our savior who is Christ our Lord, sent to mankind….”

SS: “Marc? Marc?”

Marc: “Then I’ll announce the rules. People will enter our stores in groups of five, at two-minute intervals. No running, no pushing, no fighting. Ladies and the elderly first, as well as the handicapped.”

And so it would go—the students would ask what store I’d be at, and routinely I’d say either Bayamón or Carolina: it was a toss-up which store was the worst. But I would hear the stories—the fights in the store over televisions, people jumping over the góndolas (the retail term for the set of shelves that the merchandise is placed on), front doors being broken, people falling in the rush to get in, and having other people jump over them. In short, it was madness.

Nor is it unique to Puerto Rico—I spent yesterday reading reports of the same madness in New Jersey and Florida. And in fact it was in New York, several years ago, that a security guard actually lost his life during the melee in the store.

Well, of course I never went to the store—either to work or to shop. In fact, I used to point out to detractors of Wal-Mart that they should actually be glad I was working there; I was taking their money but not spending it in their stores. And so my students would drag themselves in, exhausted still from Black Friday, and I would have had a restful four days. Time for Act II:

SS: “Did we see you there in Bayamón on Friday morning, Marc?”

Marc (pounding table and pointing his index finger upward, like a medieval saint): I WAS THERE! I personally took charge of the crowd, addressing the shoppers variously in English, Spanish and French. I thanked them for honoring us with their presence and patronage, and that it was a privilege to serve them in any way. It was a most orderly morning, and the shoppers unanimously thanked me at the end for a truly enjoyable shopping experience. Several of them have written me little notes of gratitude….

Well, the trick was to claim to have gone to the furthest Wal-Mart on the island—the Wal-Mart that absolutely nobody from the metro area would go to. So I claimed, for many years, that I had gone to Wal-Mart Mayagüez, and that the shoppers of that western city were by now well accustomed to well-bred, genteel shopping. I went so far as to say that people were saying things like: “Well, yes, I had thought about buying a television, but if you’d like it—please, be my guest.” Accompanied, of course, by a grave little nod of the head and a quiet bow. Oh, and that they were stopping at the entrance of the store and insisting that others enter first.

That said, I’m sorry to say that things have deteriorated a great deal since my years there—and you can see it yourself in the video below. And this was hardly an isolated case: Huffington Post’s headline says it all:

Walmart's Black Friday Going About As Badly As You'd Expect

Well, this year’s revolú was all about a 32-inch television going for just 98 bucks at Wal-Mart, as The New Day explains below:

Adames, [sic.] aseguró que próximamente evaluará la disposición que regula las llamadas "ventas excepcionales", al hacer referencia a que la mayoría de las quejas que recibió y las de incidentes de violentos fueron de situaciones ligadas a consumidores que buscaban un televisor de 32 pulgadas que Walmart vendía en precio regular de $98.

Al ser un artículo vendido a precio "regular", los consumidores no podían pedir un vale ("rain check") o un artículo sustituto. El titular de DACO dijo que buscará la manera de que los comercios expongan la diferencia de forma más clara para evitar problemas.

What was the problem? Well, Wal-Mart was saying that the TV was being sold at the “regular” price of 98 bucks. And given that, the customers had no right to get a rain check when the merchandise ran out.

Yeah? I have just gone on to Google, and yes, the 98-dollar TV at Wal-Mart is all over the Internet. But if you go to Wal-Mart.com? Click on the 30-39 inch size, and you’ll see that prices start at $179. So what gives?

At any rate, our department of consumer affairs issued 49 citations to Kmart, Wal-Mart, CVS and assorted others. Oh, and 50 social workers inspected the lines, and told parents to take their kids home, or find someone to come get them. Most people complied, except for two—curiously, from Mayagüez.

I’m lucky—I don’t have a job, but I don’t have kids. And so I can choose—do I want to celebrate Christmas? If so, do I want to spend money or not? The answer is usually “not,” but that’s not an option for a lot of people.

Personal responsibility—say some people. “If you decided to have children, then you should have figured out how you were going to pay for them….”

Guess so. But I wonder—one of the women in Mayagüez got into a fight with a guy, who slugged her and broke her nose. And she had been waiting for six or seven hours for that 98-dollar TV.

Have we all gone crazy?