Wonderful wonderful people

Confession—I spent seven years hectoring my students on rule number one of writing….

Consider the reader.

What does he know? What does he need or want to know? It’s not about you, the writer. It’s all about the reader.

Yup, banged that drum for seven years as loudly as I could!

And then?

Was completely deaf to it.

I wrote a book, you see, all about life and death and iguanas and some other stuff. Then, I concluded it with my getting laid off at Wal-Mart. I mentioned throwing pencils at the students, about not going back to say farewell to my room, about not getting to say farewell to my students.

Well, I sent off drafts to people, and people mostly liked it. Not surprising; is a friend gonna write and say, “Jeez Marc, you’ve written a dog! Couldn’t get past the first chapter!”?

OK—the book is coming out on Saturday. We set up—my partner in literature and I—a little page on Facebook. There was a sample chapter. And then I realized. I talked about the building. I talked about the iguanas behind the building. I certainly mentioned that Wal-Mart cheer!

What didn’t I do?

Mention what in the world I was doing at Wal-Mart in the first place….

Marc? Duh…..

Didn’t bother my friendly readers—they know the story. But wouldn’t a stranger be a little confused?

So here’s what I should have written.

Nothing was more improbable in my life as the fact that, every day between 6:30 and 7AM, I walked up concrete steps, ducked the dive-bombing grackles, passed the alarming cars, and entered the Wal-Mart Home Office.

I knew how it had happened, of course. Ofelia, my old boss and a cherished friend, had sent me off to teach in a trailer in a parking lot in Bayamón.

“No, Ofelia, this is too crazy. I mean, I’ve done the rum factory. That was fun. I’ve done the executives and their wives of the third largest bank on the island. And what is Wal-Mart, anyway….”

She sighed and explained.

Well, needed the dough, and a gig is a gig.

“So how did it go,” she asked, after that first day.

“Ummm, I think I blew it.”

“Oh, dear,” she said.

“Look, you know I’ve been teaching ESL for ten plus years, right?”

“Of course.”

“Well, what you don’t know is that I become a completely different person when I’m in a classroom….”

“Of course, it’s called the teacher’s persona…  So what happened?”

“Well, I get there and introduce myself to this lady, Elizabeth, and she’s completely unimpressed. I go into this little trailer straight from Arkansas, and begin the class. And then, I hear this clapping from next door and someone shouts ‘Gimme a W!’”

“Oh, the company cheer,” she said brightly.

“Well, I was dumbfounded,” I said. “Didn’t know what to do. So then I said ‘What the hell was that?’ And they said what you said. So then I lost it and said, ‘well, do we have an English class cheer?’”

“Oh no,” breathed Ofelia. “Marc, you didn’t. Marc, tell me you didn’t….”

“Yeah, I got ‘em all on their feet and clapping, and I shouted ‘GIMME AN E, GIMME AN N. GIMME A G’ all the way through the word English, and then I shouted ‘WHAT DOES IT SPELL’ and then ‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU’ and then ‘WHAT DO WE SPEAK!’ and then….”

Here I noted that Ofelia had her head in her hands.  

Curious that the company hadn’t called, demanding a change of teacher, I went off to do more damage the next day. And met the president of the company, coming out the trailer door.

“Great cheer,” he said, introducing himself. “Loved it! You’re really part of the Wal-Mart family now!”

Completely sincere!

Well, the disasters multiplied. Tired of teaching, I turned to presentations. Get the kids to talk! (All students of any age are my kids…)

Great—first presentation was about the Florida Keys. I noted confused faces. And did something that I should never do.

Try to be a teacher….

So I jumped up, grabbed the magic marker, went to the flip chart, and started to draw.

I drew Florida, I drew the keys, I created what looked for all the world like an obscene graffitum on a men’s room wall.

Worse, I saw myself do it!

It was like a train wreck—I saw it coming on, I saw my hands creating it.

Couldn’t stop!

Never confessed that to Ofelia.

Well, I started off my Wal-Mart days as a contractor—Ofelia is the head of a very good little language school.

Then Elizabeth, apparently more impressed, phoned me, offered me a job. They had created a position for me, and wanted me to be the fulltime English teacher.

“Great,” I told her.

“Wonderful,” I said to her.

“SHIT!” I said, after hanging up the phone.

Didn’t want it, but knew I had to take it. The benefits? Great!! Salary? Excellent!

Marc in the corporate world?

Nahhhhh!   

For two years, it drove me nuts. Then, I relaxed. I began roaming the halls with my ruler, pretending to be a traditional teacher. I put a ridiculous yellow duck on the door of my room, and called it my VPI—the volume producing item so beloved of Sam Walton. I instituted the ‘cultura de la clase de inglés’ one tired day after hearing the “Wal-Mart Culture” invoked for the umpteenth time.

Among other items, students had to breathe audibly in and gaze upwards when I pronounced the name of Sam Walton.

Someone wasn’t taking it seriously.

Oh, except for one thing.

The students. Those wonderful, resilient, amazing people who told me their stories, shared the joy and pain in their lives, showed me the pictures of their kids or pets. The kids who put up with my nonsense and dodged the pencils I threw at them, and said “333 jewelry thieves” and hid under their desks when they heard me approach, smartly tapping the ruler against my thigh.

Wonderful, wonderful people!

Three Failures and a Chair in a Tree

“Teach me to care, and not to care,” I was saying on my morning walk, as I peered at the ocean roiling below El Morro. But I could equally have said…

“…what is the correct understanding?”

For I had completely bombed in my classes yesterday, after an interesting day of failure on Sunday.

OK, I now drop the ironic tone of previous posts. Anything—until further notice—comes from the gut, not the mind.

I have never wanted to be a teacher—I’ve told you that, right?—and I have never taken it much seriously. I do show up on time. I am as groomed as I get. But beyond that, I don’t do much. I observe the students, just as I observe the iguanas.

But on Sunday—that would be the day before yesterday—I had written a post about failure. And had had a successful day studying it. Then, it was time to work.

OK—the worst task first. I attacked the kitty litter boxes, and thought while doing so that the wash was next. But there’s a rule —self-imposed, but still a rule—in the house that one cannot proceed from one room to another without carrying something (generally, dirty ashtrays or coffee cups). It’s a big house; it’s the only way….

In this case, it was not a dirty ashtray but a dirty sex toy. NO, not my sex toy but the cat’s. Yes I provide them, although I do not GIVE them. I quite properly deposit my dirty underpants in the laundry basket. Smith, the cat, retrieves them (it?) and moves to the most public area of the house, always on a rug. There he proceeds to….

….I’ll not say. But I can only say that he makes a quite distinctive sound as he goes about it, and that, of course, prompts me to shout…

“FOR GOD’S SAKES! YOU ARE SICK AND DISGUSTING! PUT THAT FILTHY SEX TOY AWAY, OR AT LEAST DO IT IN PRIVATE!”

Words, I realized a week ago, that my new neighbor must have heard, as she was smoking a cigarette on her balcony. (It’s Old San Juan, remember? All the doors are open here….) She gave me, well, a special look hours later on the street….

Still thinking somewhat about the wash, I then went to address a few words (why bother? guess it’s just habit) to the cat.

Right. He was in the bedroom where, well, the bed was unmade.

OK, did that, and then saw—you’re not forgetting the wash, are you?—a book on the floor. Well, that’s not right, I thought, as I frequently do. I picked it up and headed to…

You get my drift?

I did eventually do the laundry, some hours later. But observing as I was the trifling failures in my most proximate agenda, I had quite a successful day. Things got done—they often don’t.

Buoyed by all this, I got right down to work, the next day, writing an assignment for the students. It’s something I never do. Worse, is was on conditionals, something I like, and which can be fun. And should be—I generally sing “Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!” Unbelievably, everybody in Puerto Rico knows it, though of course in Spanish. So we sing it (in both languages) and go on from there….

In this I am bested by former co-worker, a Spanish teacher who taught the gringos to sing ojalá que llueva café, café AND made them dance to it. Alas, it was in the days before YouTube—she’d be famous, or at least viral, by now.

But no—I had to prepare. All for my students….

The look on their faces still pains me. They didn’t understand.

What were they doing wrong? How could they fail me, their teacher?

I did the only thing possible.

“Would you please,” I said in my most teacherly tone (and yes, computer, teacherly is a word—stop with that damn squiggle) “do exactly what I do?” I then held the accursed assignment high in the air, turned it face down…

…and slammed it on the table.

“I think I’ll not charge for this class,” I said, “although in fact there is something to be learned here….”

We went on to discuss failure—how it teaches you so much more than success, and how prevalent and necessary it is in nature.

They thought I was nuts, of course….

Well they’re probably right.

And it reminded me of my two other failures, as a teacher. The first, years ago, in my earliest attempt at teaching. Three teenage boys, three books on the table. A nervous and novice teacher.

Fatally, the books were…

… Jane Eyre

For boys? For Puerto Rican boys? Look, it was a setup, I now see, but I only made it worse. Now, I might possibly be able to do something with it. (“OK, it’s crap—we all know that….”)

Second failure—in my first week teaching at Wal-Mart. I was hardly inexperienced, and they certainly knew me, and how I taught. Was it the life size portraits there in the building of Sam Walton, staring down—looking so much like Jack, on his most dispirited day?

And now a third failure.

OK, so now we’re at today. I get up, I take my walk, I touch the portal of El Morro (and no, I don’t know why, I just have to), I turn back and see…

…a white plastic chair stuck firmly in an almond tree. (Yes, we have almond trees in Puerto Rico—they’re just not the same. Get it?)

The image stays with me for the rest of the walk—two Beethoven quartets long (my current metric, as we said in Wal-Mart). It’s with me now. Nor do I know why….

Perhaps because it was an amazement, an undoubted success. No one, I hope, had a work order to put a white resin chair in an almond tree (which, speaking of colors, turn an amazing russet at this time of year). Nor—no offense intended, my Puerto Rican audience—would it ever have been executed . Or so well, at least.

And no, no one had cared—not the tree, not the chair. Certainly not the municipal government. Perhaps it was the wind that blew the chair into the tree. More likely, it was the students from the Escuela de Artes Plásticas nearby who had, on a whim, placed it there. Maybe—ah, that’s it!—it was art. But nobody had cared.

Or they had, in a careless way. And so….

“Teach me to care, and not to care,” I think. And then wonder…

…Is that the correct understanding?