On Goings-On

Is it information overload or underload? Because before this all started, I knew just what to do: find an issue that interested me, look it up, evaluate as much as my simple bear’s brain could do, and then come to a conclusion, presented as fairly as possible. So it was pretty easy. Clerical sex abuse! I came out, I’m proud to say, ringlingly (is it just happenstance that I’m inventing words today?) against it! Yes, others of a lessor moral backbone may have been taking the side of the pestering pedophile priests, but did this blog waver? Was it ever for a moment equivocal on the subject? Nay, a thousand times nay!

GMO foods—how easy it would have been to defend those pioneering scientists at Monsanto, who only wanted to grow better and better seeds, only so that the burgeoning third world hordes could go to bed at night with a morsel of food in their bellies! How facile to argue that the improved seeds were our only hope against global warming! But again, a thousand times nay!

Yes, I have crusaded. Gun control! It was I who pointed out that shooting a gun may have a significant addictive kick—based on the experience of my brother, the only person I actually know who has shot a gun. (And only because he was in the army….)

I tell myself—in my rare moments of self indulgence—that my father, a crusading journalist, would be proud. However many detractors apple pie, motherhood, and dimpled babies had, I was never afraid to take the unpopular view! No, no—St. George never took on as many dragons as I!

But something happened. Is it the lingering effect of my broken back, which goes along nicely for four hours, by feeling nothing, which is the proper state of body parts. But then the back announces itself, proclaims that it’s tired of the anonymity that it had been sharing with my legs, arms, kidneys, red blood cells—in short, all those organs and tissues and limbs that had been doing what they were supposed to, and doing it silently. No, after four hours, my back becomes the nagging mother-in-law, the bitter ex-wife, not the smiling politician’s spouse gazing adoringly at his or her mate. No, my back is demanding attention, love, a spa, a massage—something and everything, and it won’t be quiet until it gets it.

So maybe that’s it.

Or is it the general dysreality of the times, here in Puerto Rico? Because we had always done unreality quite well. But unreality is the opposite of reality: dysreality is reality that has been twisted, skewed, contorted, but still has some connection to reality. It is neither the opposite nor the absence of reality….

When did it start? For me, it was when the government decided to take all the (meager) sums of money from the Government Development Bank and put it in private banks. It was a story that had me stuttering, first, “but….but…but” in the first several paragraphs, “bu…buu.buuuu” in the middle, and simply gasping inarticulately by the end.

At this point, the menace of Zika had suddenly raised its unlovely head, or perhaps microcephalic (damn, there I go again!) head, and that was a puzzle, since the whole world had blithely ignored Chikungunya. Remember that? In two or three months, Puerto Rico became the island of Frankensteins: we were suffering agonizing joint pain, raging fevers, blinding headaches, all manner of diseases. And now the world was going crazy about a disease that is asymptomatic for 80% of the victims? Oh, and when you do have symptoms—generally because you’re immunosuppressed—they’re weak, and only last a week! But now, the CDC is telling women of childbearing age to postpone having children, in affected areas, until somebody figures out what to do about it.

OK—that’s bad enough. Now, the CDC came out with a recommendation that we fumigate the entire island—or as much as we can—with a chemical called Naled. And that would be? An utterly harmless to humans, but deathly lethal to mosquitos, substance that has been used for decades in the United States! So, not a problem, right?

Of course, those pesky Europeans and their silly EU—wonderful news about Brexit, by the way—well those fussy people have banned the stuff. Of course, they also have banned GMO foods, so that tells what sort of nonsense that is! Hah—be it on your heads, EU, when the bellies of the entire Third World, craving their irradiated food….

Well, of course, the naysayers were here as well. So we started in on the information over / under load. CDC: Naled kills 90% of the mosquitos. Environmentalists: Naled kills 10% of the mosquitos! And on and on it went.

Perhaps the strangest thing about the whole affair was the CDC saying that it recommended and would approve the use of Naled, if the governor of the island gave the go-ahead. This made sense to me. To the rest of the island? It seemed crazy.

“If they’re gonna do it, they’re gonna do it,” said one friend.

“The Americans are going to spray poison over us,” said another, though through Facebook, not to my face.

Full disclosure—it would not be the first time that the medical community, or the chemical / pharmaceutical companies have done exactly that. Remember those little five-year old girls who were fully-developed sexually all those decades back? That didn’t take place in Minnesota!

So the governor had to give the approval for the use of this chemical—that to me was simply following the long-standing arrangement / compromise of federal versus states’ rights. But to many here, it was a ruse. All well and good.

And then?

The news today is that the chemical has arrived on the island, but nobody knows how much, or where it is, or who authorized it, or whether it will be used, or whether it’s here….just in case. No, nobody knows, but the governor is calling the CDC this morning, and then we’ll have the answer to all these questions about which—have I said this before—nobody knows.

Errr…

Don’t they?          

Really, Must we?

It’s the old, old story: what should we do to “popularize” classical music?

To the purists, the answer is nothing: inserting a Cuban popular song into an already quite jazzy rendition of “Sound the Trumpet,” by the English Baroque composer Henry Purcell, cheapens and degrades the music. And—so goes the thinking—it makes us look ridiculous. Who are we kidding, after all, when classical musicians venture into heavy metal? Will we ever be as good—or as bad—as AC / DC, or whoever they are? Do we want our bankers and US senators to wear purple Mohawks, black leather and chains?

The other side of the story, of course, is that if we keep being purists, we’ll end up playing to six old ladies in Dwindling Light Nursing Home. And when the fl;u epidemic carries them off, where will we be?

Tonight, we will go to the opera, taking young Montalvo with us. But Lady will come along as well, and Gabriela. And though I say it’s the opera, it’s really a hybrid form: the Metropolitans Line in HD, which is shown in movie theaters throughout the world.

Since Montalvo has been sprung from puritan clutches of the criminal justice system, there is every likelihood that he will approach the opera with a chemically enhanced brain. It’s probably for the best, because the crowd at the opera takes a little getting used to: there’s no disputing that they are lovely, absolutely lovely ladies. And so it’s no surprise that they have many friends, each one of whom will also be attending the opera. And so the ladies will stop and kiss, compare notes on their most recent trips to Gstaad, and invite each other to their villas in Nice. This will take time, of course, but it will also take place in the absolute middle of the lobby, and since there will be three or four such pairings, the lobby will be completely impassable. And so there we will be, wondering if it would be really low-class to cough, murmur “excuse me,” and wade our way through.

Raf’s mother, of course, has solved the problem for us, since she uses her walker on the ladies as the train uses the metal triangular device on the cows. My point? Montalvo has become an adept at the opera: “didn’t we see Kristine Opolais in Manon Lescaut,” he asked recently. We told him he had, and he went away. The next day he posted a video of a pre-paraplegic skateboarder performing death-seducing feats. And the music? The worst of Reggaeton!

It’s an open world for Montalvo, in short. And does anyone think, by the way, that whoever the “singer” of the Raggaeton will be singing “O mio Babbino Caro” tomorrow? Of course not!

What an extraordinary cowardly people we have become! Because tonight we will see La bohème, the plot of which is a familiar as the tears that will spring from my eyes. Yes, Mimi will lose her keys on the dark stairs, Rodolfo will find them but pretend not to have, since what has happened?

Really, do I need to tell you?

Montalvo, of course, will snort at this, since in his mentally-unenhanced state, while under the wing of the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, well, he had been rather different.

“He was high as a kite last night at the poetry slam,” said Lady. “And really, he was totally cool: chilling, relaxed, good with the world. Is it too terrible to say that I like him….”

I knew just what she meant….

“I’ve noticed that these bitches always get their way in these operas,” he snorted, when he was in an unimproved state, several months ago.

“You know,” I will tell him, “this opera is the absolute best way to get any woman to…well, be where you want her to be. It’s a total aphrodisiac for them. You take her out, ply her with oysters and champagne, and then, bam! Hit her with Puccini!”

“Panties off!” he will respond, probably in a voice that will carry through the lesser Antilles, and be heard in Caracas.

“It’s a bit easier than winning the Nobel Prize for literature,” I will tell him. “Though also a bit more expensive. Anyway, it’s a definite plan B….”

These are the fatherly tips that it is my duty to confer….

So we will see the opera, and I know everything but when it will be set.. Because the stage director has to do something, after all, to ear those juicy Metropolitan bucks. So it may be that the whole thing will be staged in ancient  Mesopotamia, or mayber in a distant planet in a far distant time. So Mimi will lose her keys in a spaceship, and….

It won’t be quite that bad, of course. Though I have seen a clip of Philippe Jaroussky covered in motor oil—supposedly—and singing Monteverdi. Oh, and in the same production, poor Cecilia Bartoli had to sing “Piangero, La Sorte Mio” wearing a canvas hood. Wonderfully—opera singers have such good training—the sound was quite unmuffled.

Well, Montalvo at the opera is definitely as good as the opera itself, since he has proven himself completely capable of giving a “popcorn shower” to the woman in front of him. Just as, of course, I immediate countered by proving that a 6’3” man can quite easily cower under a movie seat….

Stay tuned!     

     

Bearing the Sorrows of our Parents

So is it true? Because if so, then there is every reason for my taking 10 mg of Lexapro every morning and 30 mg of Mirtazapine in the evening.

For those not in the know, the two drugs above are antidepressants. And you may, as many people do, think they make the world a brighter place. But to a depressive, they actually do much more.

There is a cognitive aspect to depression that is every bit as real and destructive as the affective aspect. And so, the depressive will say, “why should I get out of bed and make breakfast, when after all, nothing I do will make any difference in the world? Is anyone reading this blog? Aren’t we all going to die in the end? So why bother?”

In fact, I read somewhere that this particularly depressive way of thinking is just a shade more realistic that non-depressed thinking. In fact, very few lives will make any significant difference in the world. True, some of us may be a Gandhi or a Jonas Salk; some of us may be parents or ancestors of such folk. But the vast majority of us simply go along until we die, and then that’s that.

Depressing, right?

I’m thinking this way because of Rachel Yehuda, who discovered that parents who had survived trauma had a molecule affixed to one gene that changed the expression of that gene. OK—that made sense. But what was really interesting is that the same molecule was also present in their children, even though those children had never gone through the stress.

It was something we vaguely knew—there was talk for years about how the Holocaust children were somehow different than regular kids, even if they were growing up in the US, even if their parents never talked much about the Holocaust. But everybody noticed it: the Holocaust survivors’ children were moodier, and more prone to anxiety. Now, for the first time, we may have an explanation for it.

Yehuda studied the children of Holocaust survivors, as well as those children who were in utero of September 11 survivors. OK—neither one applies to me, but I wonder if I am not, in a sense, also the child of a parent who had survived an horrific event. Consider the picture below:

There was, according to many sources, no way of keeping the dust out. Yes, in the 1930’s, people in North Dakota were putting wet towels against window frames, but somehow, inevitably, the dust got in. Nor was it just in your house—it was in your lungs, it was in your food, it was everywhere. How could it not have been, when you consider the photo below:

My father was born in 1909: he was just 20 when the stock market crashed. And though he never said it, his parents must have been hit hard by the depression. And so, he left Carleton University and went out to North Dakota, where his parents had land.

The family communicated feelings through stories, by which I mean that my father never said he was desolate, young, alone and terrified. What he told me was that there wasn’t any wood for fuel, so he hit on the novel idea of cutting down telephone poles. Or that he was stuck with feeding new-born lambs: his strategy was to section off the two rooms of the house, feed one lamb, throw it over the partition, and stafrt in one the next. Oh, and there was the time the hailstorm came, and completely destroyed the wheat crop. He stood in silence with his mother and father, and watched as an entire year’s income went down the drain. The field was covered with ice; his father went out, gathered some up, and made ice cream.

The dust bowl provoked the greatest migration in the history of the United States: people got in their cars and headed—for the most part—west, to California. My father returned east, to Minnesota, but there was a part of him that never left North Dakota. He never quite believed his later good fortune: that he had married the love of his life, that he had had the job of his dreams.

He told me once that he had spent a large part of his childhood seeing his father off on the train: the family business required frequent travelling to North Dakota. And the sound of a train whistle, my father told me, filled him with sorrow, and brought tears to his eyes. He was, in short, a marked man ever after.

My question: am I?

A Privileged Life

Can it be true? Because if so, my mood is seriously out of sync with my reality.

Yeah? I thought I would score at least an 80—after all, I’m a white male. Hey, that should account for something, right? But either the test is screwy, or I’m not getting something. Because question after question asked about things that, yes, put me ou8t of the mainstream.

Religion, for example. Has anyone tried to convert me to his or her beliefs? Well, yeah, but that never seemed too big a deal to me. And has anyone in the workplace imposed his or her beliefs on me? Again, yes—there was that very beautiful, and very life-sized crèche that appeared one Christmas in the Human Resources department at Walmart. But no worries—I spoke to the director of the department, and it vanished. (Now that I’ve been laid off, I’m sure it’s a regular fixture each year….) OK—and I was sufficiently open with my students that one of them took me aside, and told me that the rumors were spreading that I was an atheist.

“What rumors,” I asked, “I am an atheist!”

All right—I’m a little lacking in the religion department….

Then, of course, there’s sexuality, and I was expecting that. Yes, people have called me a fag, I was once chased down a street in Boston (I have long legs—something that arguably is a privilege, or at least it seemed so at the time—so again, no worries). Discrimination in the workplace? Nothing overt that I can point a finger to, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Put it this way—being gay didn’t help.

Money? Well, I’ve felt poor, and not, at the same time. I remember those days of having less than 500 bucks in the bank—but I also had a job, and I felt secure there. Granted, I was underemployed, and definitely underpaid, but I also had a long-term relationship, and he was doing great. And no, I’ve never worried about being able to afford a doctor’s visit, or gone to bed hungry.

Are my parents alive?  Seemed like a dumb question, though I suppose that having live parents might be a boon (assuming, of course, they were any good at parenthood). Anyway, I’m six months short of 60, so having live parents is both unlikely and, perhaps, a distinct disadvantage (my father would be 107, and almost certainly in terrible shape….)

Right, so then we came to illnesses, specifically mental illnesses. Depression? Check! Suicidal ideation? Check! Actual suicide attempts? Fortunately, no. But still, it weighed against me.

What was odd was what wasn’t on the test. Physical health, for example—which, despite high blood pressure, has been remarkably good. And having been in severe pain, recently, I have a renewed appreciation for having lived so many years without disability.

The questionnaire—if I remember correctly—asked if I had grown up in a house without a television. Well, yeah—but only because my parents preferred reading. Oh, and in those days, there was a hill between them and the local PBS station, which made transmission spotty. So what was the point?

It was, I suppose, an unusual household. Yes, you always had to lift your feet, every time you drove over a puddle, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that there was a cello in the back seat, and my father was driving me to a rehearsal of the Wisconsin Youth Symphony Orchestra.

And then, of course, there was the fact that I had a father at all. And that he was there, driving me around, and not somewhere else. Oh, and he taught me a lot: how to treat bank presidents and janitors, for example (hint—the same). How to look at every side of an issue. Oh, and how to hate, just hate, the bastards who get away with shit.

Maybe it’s true that I’ve been or am underprivileged. Both of my brothers, when my mother was fasting to her death, told me essentially the same thing: I had had a harder life than they.    

At the time I dismissed the idea, then I began to see how it could be true. Then I began to wonder: well, so what? Maybe my life had been harder, and maybe other people—brothers included—had had it easier. But I had never felt unduly unprivileged; in fact, I thought I was, for the most part, supremely lucky.

Think the test is bogus!