Tropical Koan

Susan sent me an email, having read a review of a book on the depressing topic of…depression.

“Depressing,” because, according to the article—well, here’s a quote:

At any given point, 22% of the population exhibit at least one symptom of depression and the World Health Organization projects that by 2030, depression will have led to more worldwide disability and lives lost than any other affliction, including cancer, stroke, heart disease, accidents, and even war.

Well, I turned to the review, and was stopped in my initial tracks by the first sentence:

“Depression is a disorder of the ‘I,’ failing in your own eyes relative to your goals,” legendary psychologist Martin Seligman observed in his essential treatise on learned optimism.

Yeah? So who is Martin Seligman, legendary though he may be? And what the hell does he know about depression? Has he ever been trapped in a toilet stall, has he ever had a crying jag he couldn’t stop, has he ever sat at a computer and looked at the screen and felt his mind turn to mush and realize that his thinking has slowed so far down that his thoughts can’t make it up to the surface? So that email that he has to write? He can’t concentrate, he can’t focus—all he can do is sit there numbly and mutely and hope that, in some way, the governor will sign the reprieve. Because, let’s be clear—there is no chance whatsoever that anything he does will affect in any way how he is feeling. Why? Because he is not feeling.

Or is he? Because he’s been crying, sobbing, and he’s been ruminating.

Maybe you don’t know….

Ruminating is not—not where he is—pondering a problem deeply. No, ruminating is the incessant—shouldn’t it be incesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssant?—repetition of a single thought. Today it’s “I want to die.” Yesterday it was “I can’t think.”

Sure, Styron did it better than anyone—myself included—in his book on depression Darkness Visible. But don’t think that he or I or anyone can get this one right. Why? Because, by its nature, depression defies description. It’s a black hole, where any light shone into it is lost, consumed. And when, at last, the master of the universe relents and you’re out, the very memory of it has been consumed as well.

So the legendary Martin Seligman has pronounced himself on depression—how very nice! At best, it accounts for one and only one of the many depressions. Because when I went from 10 milligrams to 20 milligrams of one drug and began to take 15 milligrams of another, guess what? I began humming to myself as I rode to work.

I’m lucky; as I understand it, the serotonin reuptake inhibitor basically floods all of the brain, and all the receptors, with serotonin. And some of those relate to mood, and some relate to other things having nothing to do with mood. Which means that some people get lots of side effects and remain depressed; the lucky ones like me get relatively few, but a blessed lift in mood.

So do I come down on the side of chemicals, medicines, physiology? No, because what you do with your life changes your brain. That I learned one afternoon as I saw a group of people wearing new clothes—and really terrible ones, at that—waiting to be photographed by a clearly professional photographer.

The “models,” however, were just-as-clearly not professionals. But who were they, I wondered, as I pondered them standing around on the beach under the palm trees? And where was I?

Lolling on my back in the water, after a day of writing and playing music and taking a walk and listening to Monteverdi. I hadn’t made a dime that day, but I was happy. And the people on the beach? They were Wal-Mart employees, who had been chosen to be the models in the newspaper advertising insert.

I had worked for seven years for Wal-Mart, and for many of them I was lethally depressed. I was laid off; I went into crisis. I got out of the crisis and put myself on a schedule, a schedule I still follow. And I was at that moment splashing in the blue Caribbean waters, watching a group of prisoners from a prison I had escaped.

“Escaped,” because merely being laid off would have been “paroled” or perhaps “released.” But the prison I had escaped from wasn’t Wal-Mart—I had escaped from a brutal, decade-long battle against myself. I had willed myself to go to the brink of madness, to stand on the precipice and grant the Gods permission to push me into it.

It wasn’t a psychiatric crisis—or perhaps it was. I had been an angry, impossible steward for a man who had been given great gifts. I had raged at myself, scolded myself, belittled myself, bitten myself….

But wait—it wasn’t “myself.” Because I had had nothing to do with it—I could no more write a book or play the cello than I could scale Mount Everest. My job was to feed him and give him as much water as he needed and exercise him and put the cello into his hands and sit him at the computer and then GET THE HELL AWAY! He’ll play perfectly well on his own.

Wrong—he’ll play infinitely better. Because you know all that criticism for all those years?

Sorry—but it was shit.

The person you see occupies a middle position. I came to know a presence, which to me was the wind. And from this presence, which I call Domine, the cellist gets his talent, and the writer as well. My job is to get him in front of computers and embracing cellos.

I take him to the dentist—just as I brush his teeth. At the end of the day, I read what he’s written, or I listen to him play. ‘Where did that come from,’ I wonder. ‘He’s so good,’ I tell him. ‘Wow!’ I say.

I had made my life a koan, which, for the benefit of my red-squiggling computer, I will define, via Wikipedia:

A kōan (公案?)/ˈkoʊ.ɑːn/; Chinese: 公案; pinyin: gōng'àn; Korean: 공안 (kong'an); Vietnamese: công án) is a story, dialogue, question, or statement, which is used in Zen-practice to provoke the "great doubt", and test a student's progress in Zen practice.

What is the music of a mute cellist?

What happens when the music goes away?

Should it matter if he plays better without the instrument than with it?

None of these fanciful statements are true. I was simply holding on to a small thread of faith, which I could only grasp by observing with agonizing detail how I went about my life. I lost the ability to use a computer, and then stared at my fingers until I could connect my right first digit with an icon that was on my dock. I looked at the icon, absorbed the blue, noted that the downward slash of the small part of the “W” is superimposed over the upward slash. But am I supposed to do a double or a single click?

How many Word documents had I opened before?

And why was I doing it?

I wanted to change something so fundamental about myself that I required a reboot. “Put the detergent on the sponge,” I told him. We were doing dishes—which he generally did by wasting water, slopping water all over the floor, and not paying attention. Now, I had to tell him how to wash the dishes—first you put the soap on the sponge; then you lather, as it were, the coffee cup; then you place the cup with soap still on it on the side of the sink; proceed to the next cup.

The important thing?

There was no abuse in it. Just patient directions—completely explicit, clear, detailed. He didn’t know how to do prosaic stuff, and had been too impatient to learn. And I had berated him for decades about the stuff he really could do.

I blew it a few times; so did he. He was holding on, too, to the thread. Perhaps more than I, he had heard the wind through the palm trees, heard the fronds stir to life, appreciated the swaying green against the constant blue, felt the hand caressing his brow, smiled, looked up, and said…

…Domine.

On Failure—Or Not

Well, the work of this morning was supposed to be to tell you about failure, since Lady, Mr. Fernández and I had not so much been to the opera last night as we had been Igorred.

As in Prince Igor, the opera by Borodin that the Metropolitan Opera is putting on for the first time in nearly 100 years. So we went, all of us, to the broadcast at the Metro Theater. The broadcast (or rebroadcast, in this case) is absolutely better than actually going to the Met, since try eating popcorn at the Met! Oh, and another small advantage—you can see the singers, without having to shell out 300 bucks…..

“How long will this last,” asked Lady, who was attending for the first time. Four hours, I told her, wildly over-exaggerating, or so I thought—it actually clocked in at 4 and a half hours, and that was without the curtain calls (we scrambled out of the theater to grab the last bus home).

Well, it was a thing to have done to one—the first act alone came in at an hour and forty five minutes, and half of that was spent in a long hallucinatory scene set in a blaze of poppies (12,500 artificial, spring-loaded poppies—so loaded since the dancers were energetically crashing their way through the famous Polovtsian Dances {well, famous to all but the computer, my little red-squiggling friend….})

You see, Prince Igor, a twelfth-century figure, has made the fatal mistake of going off to fight the Cuman / Polovtsian tribes, despite having received a blazingly clear message from the heavens that it was a damn fool thing to do. OK—not so blazing, since the celestial tidings came in the form of a solar eclipse. But what sort of operatic moron goes off to war right after an eclipse? Hellooo!

Well, the predictable happens, but does Igor pick himself up, dust himself off, and get back to the world of the living—which in this case is to be a prisoner? Although not, since his captor seems to be a perfectly splendid man—and a khan, no less—who insists on treating him as a guest, even to the point of offering him one of the Polovtsian maidens. Oh, and he suggests that they go off and conquer all Russia together. Quite a reasonable offer, given that look—Igor isn’t bringing to the table much clout in the way of bargaining.

Right—so while Igor is moping around refusing to escape (since he’s a prince, get it?  And escaping, you see, is for the less exalted than he—therefore he’ll just sit around being operatically moody, which will draw out the opera…)

Now where was I?

Right—Igor is moping, but his wife’s brother? He’s having a great old time, stealing maidens from their havens by night and plotting to overthrow his brother-in-law by day. While all of this is going on, the khan attacks and—guess what!—the city falls. So now it’s one chicken salad wrap, two large coffees, one bag of popcorn with some illicit-but-oh-so-good Coca-Cola (suck it up, Bloomberg! Hah!) later, and now we’re in the fourth act / fourth hour—which is a scene of utter devastation!

Well, let’s go further—utter devastation, social ruin, economic collapse, and a profound, vast, bleak spiritual wasteland, from which no one will escape.

The Russians just love this stuff….

Igor, it seems, has now decided to escape, presumably so that he can come back when it’s entirely pointless (except, of course, to be in the final act). Obviously, being treated as the honored guest of the khan is insufficiently hair-shirted, especially when there is now the devastated city which he once ruled to mope about in. So there he is, Russianly catatonic, contemplating his and his city’s ruin, when two old souses come upon him, and decide to ring the bell, and get the citizenry (in this case the Chorus of the Metropolitan Opera—handy, hunh?)

Well, the wife is happy to see him, but Igor? Unlike all the operatic characters who are told not to speak to their loved ones but cannot, Igor ignores his beloved, so steeped in grief is he. So now it’s the crowd’s turn—very useful, since the chorus is now on overtime, and you might as well use ‘em—and soon they’re dancing about and tossing Igor in the air like a fraternity prank.

At last—and I do hope nobody in the audience last night was afflicted with hemorrhoids—Igor spins off, and lurches around for a minute or so in what appears to be a near-psychotic break. Then he takes hold of himself, goes to a crate and begins to lug it to the side. Gradually, the others join in—moving the rubble to the side, beginning the process of cleaning up.

“That was it?” asked Mr. Fernández, puzzled about how he had passed the last five hours of his life. The steppes of Russian, you see, are slightly chillier than Hollywood.

So I thought about it all this morning, over coffee. And it’s a curious thing, the need of my country—despite having experienced it several times—never to have admitted defeat.

Let’s face it—we lost Vietnam. And Iraq? Afghanistan? Even our war on drugs? The American dream?

Yes—we’ve been attacked. But have we ever experienced the devastation of a ruined landscape / countryscape, coupled with the bitter taste of knowing that another nation has invaded and conquered? Have we gone through what so many nations around the world have endured?

‘I know about defeat,’ I thought, remembering four or five auditions that I completely choked. Each time it was the same—the disbelief of being gob sacked in the psychic solar plexus, the wailing of despair and frustration, the shame of calling friends and family and announcing that, yes, once again, I had failed. Reader—some things repetition does not make easier.

“We thoroughly enjoyed it,” said the tourist yesterday, handing me ten bucks for the organizations I support by playing Bach suites in the café. The story, you see, has a happy ending—I’m playing better than I ever have. More importantly, I’m playing in public, enjoying it, and tackling the solo suites without having the aid of another musician (often a pianist) to bolster me. It’s just the instrument and I.

People drift past, off to the bathroom. Often, I shift to another point in the bow, to allow them to pass. The parrot squawks. People take photos—shooting a red flash of light into the middle of a sarabande. Casals was right—a café is excellent practice for a developing musician, whatever his or her age….

Did it come easily? No. But if it came at all, it came from the devastated landscape of failure. And if I had denied that I had failed? If I had fallen for the rationale—perhaps real but not true—that no gringo could land a job with a Puerto Rican orchestra?

There are times, I decided, when you need devastation, failure, dirt in the mouth. That’s the only landscape from which to travel to other, better places.

Enter Susan, who wrote a comment on yesterday’s post, saying that she’d not heard of the French countertenor, Philippe Jaroussky. ‘Hmm,’ I thought, ‘how can that be?’ So I turned to YouTube, and came by chance on the clip below.

However many decades it took this bear of little brain to figure out his instrument, it took Jaroussky only a couple of years to go from starting to sing to conquering the world of song. And why shouldn’t he? He’s young, mouth-wateringly cute, and the voice?

But as you can see below, it’s the completely natural—and funny—way he approaches his music that carries the day. He has not, it looks, travelled the same paths that I have trod, at least not in music.

I rejoice for him, as I rejoice for the failures that—bitter as they were—led me onward to a world of such joy….

Hounded by Heaven

 The Hound of Heaven

I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat—and a Voice beat
More instant than the Feet—
‘All things betray thee, who betrayest Me.’

All right, however bad my day is, it’s a lot better than most of Francis Thompson’s probably were.

I know this because I had to take a quick trot over to Wikipedia, to check in on Thompson, since in fact I had never heard of the guy, whom G. K. Chesterton called “the greatest poetic energy since Browning.”

Well, Thompson got acclaim at the end, but it wasn’t easy getting there. Born in 1859, he studied to be a doctor, became one, but never practiced. Instead, he moved to London, hoping to be a writer, but did menial work. Then ill health struck, and he began taking opium. And that led him to the street—he was homeless and destitute for years, until 1888, when he was rescued by a couple, Wilfred and Alice Meynell. But he remained an invalid all his life; at one point he contemplated suicide, but had a vision of the poet Thomas Chatterton. Chatterton had killed himself a century back, but apparently drifted back to nix the idea to Thompson. Common stuff for poets….

So Thompson had been on the street, writing letters and poetry to the newspapers, who proclaimed that there was a genius greater than Milton walking around out there—but where, exactly? Thompson had no return address, since he was down sleeping with all the other vagrants down by the Thames. Although at one point, a prostitute took him in, and he lived off her earnings.

Finally in 1893 he published his first book of poems, in which the most famous of his work, The Hound of Heaven, appeared. But though he attained critical success, his health was never good; he died at age 48 in 1907.

I am today a refugee from my life, since every annoyance seems to have been pressed on me. Note the word “annoyance,” which I use deliberately. For whatever reason, I cannot wake up in the morning—today I arose at noon, having been up at midnight for an hour or so. And so I missed a class, which I hate doing. My computer is quitting the Internet every thirty seconds or so, and so I am using my spare laptop, which has the feeling of Linus’s piano. There is a major leak in Raf’s bathroom, and guess who has to fix it? The cats have taken to pissing everywhere, and the ficus tree which is growing on the side of the building is shooting its root into our gallery. Which, by the way, has huge pot and pans in it, to collect the water that courses in at the smallest rain.

Two days ago, I was feeling rapturous; today I am holding on by a silk thread. I feel as if, rather than the hound of heaven, the gnats of hell are buzzing around my heads. What will I do?

What I always do, dammit. I’ve lost my mind and found it again, I’ve lost my mother and given birth to her again, I’ve lost my job and found something else. In short, I’m luckier than most; many other people have it much worse than I. I know about iguanas falling from the trees, and I know what they—and I—gotta do.

I wonder, though, how it is that some of us, living yes in London but on the streets, can still hear the feet and the voice of the hound of heaven. And I wonder, as well, about the people who don’t hear. Are they happier?

Here’s Thompson’s answer:

Ah, fondest, blindest weakest,

I am he whom thou seekest!

Thou drawest love from thee, who drawest me.

Right—Got That Taken Care Of....

It’s such a good idea, why didn’t I think about it?

I spent seven years working for Wal-Mart, ostensibly as an English teacher. A good part of that time, in fact, I was busy dreaming up great ideas that absolutely no one liked. The sustainable shopping bag that we were pushing all the customers to use was a great idea, but there’s one little problem: you have to remember to take them with you every time you go shopping. And what if you decide on the spur of the moment to drop into a store? Your bags are at home.

Enter the Newhouse KeyChainShoppingBag!

OK—the problem of keeping meats separate from vegetables and fruits? Easy—redesign the shopping cart!

So I’m totally impressed with two like-minded people, Simon and Jane Berry, who looked around them one day in Northeast Zambia, and realized: Coca-Cola was everywhere.

The Berry’s also put together that fact with another two. First, one in five children in developing countries will die of dehydration before their fifth birthday. Second, though a simple solution of salts and sugar will cure the diarrhea, most public health clinics are too far away, or may not have the formula.

Right—so we can get Coca-Cola to kids, but not life-saving kits?

Then they looked at the Coca-Cola crates and realized—hey, there’s a lot of space wasted there. What if we made a kit of a bar of soap (prevention, as well as cure), the oral salts and sugar formula, zinc pills, and put it all in a container that would wedge in between the necks of the Coca-Cola bottles? So the Berrys created an organization, ColaLife, which produced a product called Kit Yamoyo. Here’s what it looked like:

That way, you could simply piggyback on to Coca-Cola’s distribution system, and not have to invest all that energy on reinventing the wheel.

So Berry went running around—trying to get Coca-Cola’s attention, which proved at first difficult. Finally, he got an interview with the BBC, and the door cracked open. They met to discuss Berry’s great idea.

And like all great ideas, it had to be tweaked. The peak period for diarrhea is in rainy season, which is when Coke sells the least. As well, there may be times when Coca-Cola may prefer not to distribute to a remote location—it simply isn’t worth it. But the kids still need the medicine.

So, in the end, they decided not to distribute through Coca-Cola, but rather to use the company to learn about Coca-Cola’s distribution chain. Consider this photo:

For Coca-Cola to get its products into a small shop in a tiny town in a remote area, they have to work with a lot of people, from the local producer to the regional suppliers to smaller supplier to individuals who have a horse and cart. And many times, the break in the chain was the guy with a horse and cart; therefore, Coca-Cola started their Last Mile program. (Nice name, guys!)

So the Berrys worked with Coca-Cola, often tagging along with them and meeting the people who delivered the Coke. And they soon discovered—it would be better if the shopkeepers simply ordered the Kit Yamoyo as a regular item, like laundry detergent.

The ColaLife began its pilot project in September 2012, and so far, the results are encouraging. Here’s what Berry has to say, as quoted in The New York Times:

Thus far, ColaLife has received mostly positive feedback from customers regarding Kit Yamoyo. “People are convinced it cures diarrhea,” said Simon Berry. “They say it’s much stronger than the medicine you get at the health center. And there’s some evidence that we’re stopping chronic diarrhea.” (While conclusive data has not yet been published, Berry’s assessment is based on more than 20, 000 kits sold and surveys of more than 1000 households.) The team also found that shops that sell Kit Yamoyo are, on average, two-thirds closer than health centers — making it much easier for a mother to obtain O.R.S. (oral rehydrating salts) when a child is sick.

There’s a little problem, for which, of course, I have the answer. And that is, you say?

The kit costs one dollar, unaffordable to many people. Sales have slumped by 60 percent from when the kit was introduced free.

My answer?

I think the genius of the Berrys was to see that the Kit Yamoyo was a product and could be treated like one, not a medicine or a health care issue. So we have a product, a nice product with a terrific potential and an un-mined gold field in public relations. A nice product that Wal-Mart (ASDA in Britain) can sell for $2.49—a steal. Wal-Mart pockets 74 cents, pays ColaLife $1.75. ColaLife, in turn, can use that money to lower their price substantially. They then employ an unemployed blogger in Puerto Rico to write terrific press releases, which I will.

Yes?

Sorry, guys—gotta go. Gonna call some friends at Wal-Mart….

Braver than I

He had read my book, as I had read his. But that had been a long time ago—how would it read now? 

And what would I make of the dragons in the book—my uncle and my cousin’s girlfriend? The book is A Crossing and the author is my cousin Brian Newhouse. And I’m happy to say it’s just as good as I remembered it. 

Brian ventured from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic sometime in the nineties on a bicycle—but this is only incidentally a biking book. In fact—blessedly—it’s not at all a bicycling book. It’s a book about a nice guy and two lunatics. 

 “A cock tease,” was Franny’s diagnosis of Karen, Brian’s girlfriend, after she had read the book. She’s a hyper-“religious” girl who likes to test Brian’s “faith” in the Lord by proposing to sleep—and nothing else—together. So he’s lying there, stiff as a board in many senses, and she puts his hand on her breast. 

Brian? 

There is such a thing as too much Minnesota nice. And Brian, you’d crossed the line a country mile back. 

Well, eventually he can stand it no more, and goes to sleep in the guest bedroom. I’d have left the house and never looked back. Karen uses religion variously as a cudgel or a noose, and she’s no dab hand at either. When Brian can take it no more and breaks up with her she attributes the event to the work of Satan, who cannot abide the sight of two loving Christians standing together—the man leading, being a “cover” for the wife. 

I know—pass the Mylanta…. 

Well, he got an interesting character out of her, at any rate. 

And the other lunatic? His father. Just as crazy on Christ as the girlfriend, if not more. 

In the early days, my father would get a call from my aunt, saying that Bill was down in the village, preaching against sin and vice to drunks leaving the saloon. My father would get in the car and drag him home. 

“He was a really funny, high-spirited kid,” said Franny once about Bill. “Then, something happened to him, and he just turned into a religious nut….” 

Who also uses the Bible as a weapon. There always was something sad about going to their house, a farm on the Illinois / Wisconsin border. Religious tracts were everywhere—by the toilet, in the barn, on the table. A sermon was always impending, looming like an August thunderstorm. Any remark could be slash, meant to jolt you to your senses, repent, accept Jesus into your heart, get saved. In short, become as crazy as he. 

It might have been tolerable if there had been any joy, any fun in it. But this is the real fire-and-brimstone stuff, that old-time religion of talking in tongues and walking to the altar and accepting Jesus into your heart. Satan is real and he has his claws in his wife and his brother and his kids. By definition, anyone who is not saved is…. 

 …fallen? 

I don’t know. Nor do I know how he stood it, feeling that he was alone in his faith, and that his family was headed for perdition. 

Also don’t know how anybody else stood it. Because in addition to the religion, we get a guy who has an emotional straitjacket that no one can cut through. This one we know, on the other side of the family. Because Jack never got the religion, but the repression? 

Not in spades—more like the backhoe. 

“Once, my father came back from one of his trips, looked at me, and then shook my hand,” said Jack, my father. “He’d never done that before, and we never did it again. The only time I can remember touching my father….” 

Or how about this? 

“I always tear up when I hear a train horn. Makes me remember seeing my father off on trips so many times.”  

My brother Johnny took him on, as Brian took on his father. And one of the most heartfelt, poignant moments in A Crossing is the moment when Bill calls Brian and they talk at last. Brian gets it off his chest—he crossed a whole continent to get a good word out of the old man. And what does he get? A flip remark about a bad penny from a father who has judged, and judged him a failure. 

Oh, and is sorry he ever had him in the first place. 

Johnny did much the same thing to Jack. And Jack, stunned to hear that Johnny seriously questioned—hey, do you love me?—went to the hardware store, got a plumb bob, some string, and a piece of dowel. Then he went to the garage, found a board, nailed in a support, put the dowel as a crossbar, and hung the plumb bob. Next, he wrote a letter: 

Johnny, 

There are two things that are true.

 1. A plumb bob always hangs true 

 2. A father always loves his children 

 I love you, 

Pop 

Brian waded through this mess, though how I don’t know. “You were never abusive,” he tells his father at one point. 

Yeah? I think telling a kid he’s gonna go to Hell and suffer for eternity and the devil has entered him and if he doesn’t repent now he will…. 

I think that’s abuse. Brian praised Iguanas for its courage. 

I think Brian is braver than I.

Individual and Mass Madness

We heard it with annoying regularity, the bromide about “thinking outside the box,” so we did what any sensible person would do.

The Puerto Rican “no.”

“Well, I’ve lived in England, Spain, Cuba, and Puerto Rico, so I know at least four ‘noes.’ But the Puerto Rican ‘no’ is the only one I can’t do anything about.” Words a friend said to me, years ago.

And that would be?

“You ask for something, and it’s instantly agreed to. Absolutely! No problem! And then nothing happens. You protest, and the process repeats. You beg, you cajole, you cry, you scream, you threaten. All to no effect. Nothing happens…. And you can’t have a rational discussion because they keep agreeing!”

An exaggeration, of course, but there is some truth to it.

Maybe it was that just some Puerto Ricans practiced the “no”—others didn’t.

But those who did, did it almost reflexively.

The multitudes of you who check your computers scores of times daily—awaiting a new post!—will know about the ten-foot rule, so beloved of Sam Walton. You had to smile, greet, and offer help (if in the stores) to EVERY customer within ten feet.

All part of that Wal-Mart culture!

Well, it was also part of the culture—the real one, that is—to pay lip-service and leave.

Well, the lips were pretty convincing, that 10-minute-really-half-hour weekly meeting of Human Resources. How that lady talked! The service those lips provided! She virtually role-played Sam W. challenging us to do the ten-foot rule!

She left to go visit the stores. I trailed behind her. I smiled and greeted.

Bet you know who didn’t!  

So I took it all seriously, sort of. And by chance or design, I thought outside the box in at least two ways.  First physically, when I could bear no more and had to leave the madness behind and look at iguanas. And second, creatively, when I had my spate of ten brilliant ideas daily and had to go tell someone about it.

I realize now what that slight but perceptible rise in shoulder level meant….

Well, I suppose if there is a Puerto Rican no, there may be a Wal-Mart no, as well. If so, it was generally postceded (well, look, what about preceded?) by the proper noun “Marc.”

Though some of my ideas were really very good.

Did you know that you should keep fruits strictly segregated from meats?

Logical, really—how many times have you picked up a package of meat, and gotten a sticky, bloody hand for the effort?

Right—and where is the produce department in most stores? Right by the entrance.

Which means that almost inevitably you’ll have to put the leaking meat packages over or near the fruits. (By the way, you probably should use the little baby seat for fruits and vegetables….)

Well, that came out at one of the monthly meetings, during which we were routinely peppered with the question ¿cómo se siente?—how you feeling!—to which we would mechanically roar “¡Super bien!, oooh, ahhh, ay, YES!”

That’s culture, you see!

(Get why I was out behind the building?)

Well, I got to work on that problem! Hey, don’t we have a responsibility to our customers? Aren’t we an industry leader? As Wal-Mart moves, so moves the country!

And it was gonna start right here, in Puerto Rico! Yeah, we were gonna be the pioneers in an adventure that would save millions of lives, and it was starting here, right here, not just in Puerto Rico, or in Caguas, but in the creatively explosive atmosphere of Marc Newhouse’s classroom!

Gentlemen—we gotta redesign the shopping cart!

“Look,” I was exclaiming to the head of Loss Prevention, “this is what we can do. Put a little basket with a picture of a banana—here, I drew it—on the right side of the cart. Now, we got another little basket—got a burger on that one—on the left side of the cart! See! Look, this is the redesigned shopping cart, called a SaftiCart, which is a very good name, if I do say so. Just look!”

He barely glanced.

Well, at least he didn’t tell me to throw the plans in the wastebasket as I left….

Still think it was a good idea, though.

It was the world of the corporate no. And to be fair, not all of my ideas were quite so good.

“Listen, I got this plan to absolutely ensure that we get the bonus EVERY year.”

Well, the bonus was quite a juicy plum, especially for the already well compensated. So it did get the CEO of Wal-Mart Puerto Rico, Inc.’s attention.

I had just finished telling him that I was legally married to a guy and Wal-Mart needed to put Raf on the medical plan.

Thought to lighten the air in the room….

“We build an extra Sam’s Club and an extra SuperCenter somewhere, but we don’t tell Bentonville! That way it’s pure gravy! They can’t expect us to make any money off a store they don’t know exists, can they? So all the profit goes straight to the bank! And bang into your pocket, at the end of the fiscal year!”

He was puzzled, but painfully earnest.

I kept trying.

“Well, the gringos are hardly gonna run around the island, actually counting the stores, are they? Come on!”

He was a very powerful, probably very rich guy.

From Colombia.

And so had no use for the Puerto Rican “no” (if it exists…).

No, Marc!

Gotta be photoshopped, but fun to think about, anyway….

The Climate Inside and Out

Rain, today, and at last. It’s been the second driest June in history—day after day of unrelenting heat, and milky blue clouds (the result of Saharan dust in the upper atmosphere.)

It’s a relief. After cold and rain in both Wisconsin and London, I was ready for hot and dry. Well, it’s the old story: the gods punish us by giving us what we want….

The inner climate has turned as well. I revisited the piece of music—and the writing that went with it—that haunted me in the first week of March.

The d minorPiano Concerto of Brahms. 

It was—like Winterreise and the late quartets of Beethoven—music that I’d been waiting to get into. And like the other works, it’s not conventionally pretty music. 

Nor was my experience with it pretty. I willed myself to go back to that moment of madness—my first panic attack in December of 2011.

Why? Is it rational to revisit the irrational? Wouldn’t a sane person do anything to avoid a return to the world of utter insanity?

Can’t say. I could tell you that I had to go back to see it from the other side—the other side being sanity. Or I could say I had to master my fear that the madness would return by tempting the gods, daring them to fling me into the whirlpool again. I could say I had no choice.

Possibly true, all of the above. None of them feels right.

I only knew, that first week of March (also the first week of Lent) that I was operating on blind faith—and the love and faith of a sister in Tobago. And Raf, who worried silently all throughout the period.

OK—site and setting. El Morro, the oldest of the four remaining fortifications the Spaniards built. It’s built—as is its sister in Havana—at the mouth of the harbor. It’s huge. It is not—by design—inviting. It was early morning—seven, perhaps—and raining / overcast.

And yes, for the fifty minutes that Brahms takes to finish his struggle I took to finish mine. I went back—I was on the same road (though technically not) as I had been. True, there were no cars speeding past me.

There were lashes.

I was being scourged, whipped…and purified.

I came home and wrote the experience as I’ve not written anything in my life. Actually, I didn’t write. I took dictation.

A week of exhausting struggle followed. I relearned everything. How to do the dishes. How to do a copy and paste. How to book a reservation on Expedia.

I practiced a mindfulness in that week that was excruciating.

“And how are you doing,” said my doctor, a week or two later.

“How many movements of the fingers does it take for you to log in and see your email?” I asked.

She was baffled.

“It takes me three. I type a ‘g’ in the address bar and the computer suggests ‘gmail.’ I click on that, and it takes me to the gmail page. As it’s loading, I move the cursor to the area where ‘sign in’ will appear. I type ‘m’ into the username and the computer remembers marcnewhouse333. The cursor is in place—I click on that. The computer remembers my password. I press ‘enter.’ That’s how I get my email….”

It was like being a stroke victim—relearning the things we do automatically every day. And it took an immense will.

I failed, mostly. That’s fine—that’s what Buddhists do. 

I learned some things.

There is no time. Someone always pulls me back—away from the speeding cars or the abyss of pure insanity. That I’m here to serve. That my talents have value.

I’ve lost most of that, now. (If you could see my apartment, you’d know….) But enough remains.