Thursday, April 10, 2014

Death Comes to the Goat Sucker

Well, I shouldn’t be writing about this because, well, this is a serious blog. Yesterday, for example, I dealt with the eschatological views of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. So today I’m gonna talk about the chupacabra??
To those fortunate enough not to have heard of the chupacabra, well, let me introduce him, via Wikipedia:
The chupacabra (Spanish pronunciation: [tʃupaˈkaβɾa], from chupar "to suck" and cabra "goat", literally "goat sucker") is a legendary cryptid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas, with the first sightings reported in Puerto Rico.[1] The name comes from the animal's reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, especially goats.
Well, well—it’s something to know that Puerto Rico has given (in addition to Ricky Martin and salsa) the world the chupacabra. What I didn’t know was that the chupacabra has been busy, since it was first seen in August of 1995 in Canóvanas, Puerto Rico; sightings have been reported from Chile to Maine in the Americas, and even in Russia.
The first attacks in Puerto Rico were on eight sheep, which were, according to Wikipedia, afflicted with three-teethed puncture wounds in the chest and drained of blood. But was that enough for the chupacabra? Absolutely not, because the island went mad for chupacabras.
It was on everyone’s lips, it was believed in fiercely and disputed fiercely, it was a joke, it was a prank, it was a satanic cult, it was all bunk. Even scientists got into the picture; here’s Wikipedia again:
In late October 2010, University of Michigan biologist Barry O'Connor concluded that all the chupacabras reports in the United States were simply coyotes infected with the parasite Sarcoptes scabiei, the symptoms of which would explain most of the features of the chupacabras: they would be left with little fur, thickened skin, and rank odour. O'Connor theorized the attacks on goats occurred "because these animals are greatly weakened, they're going to have a hard time hunting. So they may be forced into attacking livestock because it's easier than running down a rabbit or a deer."
Coyotes in Puerto Rico? Puerto Rican coyotes? Listen, besides species introduced by man, there’s nothing else here in terms of fauna. OK—I looked it up, and it turns out that bats are native to Puerto Rico. But that’s it.
So we went chupacabra-crazy for a while, and in the end, there were 200 reports in 1995, again according to Wikipedia.
What won’t Wikipedia tell you? Well, I’m delighted to tell you that Tito Armstrong wonderfully caught the story of Chemo “Jones,” one of the very best of our small town mayors, and a man not cowed [sic.] by a mere goat sucker. Tito—tell it!
    Picture the scene: a lush forest full of dense vegetation, laced with dangerous beasts and wild, tropical fauna. An adventurer braves the danger to search for an elusive creature which has a propensity to drain its victim's blood. Sound like a movie script? No, it is the real life saga of Chemo "Jones" Soto, Mayor of Canóvanas and part-time adventurer. Chemo has undertaken a quest to capture the Chupacabra before it sucks the entire animal population dry. In the face of Government paralysis, Chemo is the last hope of a desperate citizenry who have given up hope.
    Chemo has assembled a crack anti-Chupacabra team and hopes to apprehend the beast sometime this year. He has devised a state of the art "cone-trap" which will no doubt trap the blood-sucking monster within the month. The Mayor's pleas to government agencies for help with the hunting efforts have been largely ignored but Governor Pedro Rosselló has wished him luck. Chemo, who happens to be up for re-election, is running on the anti-Chupacabra ticket and hopes to ride it to victory during the November elections.
Yes! And I might mention, by the way, that this account appears in a site linked to Princeton University—the chupacabra has definitely arrived.
Sadly, all this was taking place in 1995, just a bit before the Internet arrived. So unfortunately, I cannot present you with the image—indelibly fixed on my inner screen—of Chemo Jones and the boys with their chupacabra trap. But any Puerto Rican around at the time will remember it—Chemo and the boys had gone out, presumably after a few beers at the gas station (don’t ask—it’s a Puerto Rican thing….), and found some rusty old rejas (ornamental iron bars that cover all the windows on the island) in the back of City Hall. Responding to the urgent needs of the citizenry, who were faced with certain economic ruin from loss of livestock, and whose very lives were at risk…
Now, where was I?
Ah, so Chemo and the boys patched together a chupacabra trap, into which they put, sensibly, a goat—who was looking very wide-eyed, and why not? Wouldn’t you? Nor was this all, because the boys had gotten in the spirit of the occasion—anything to keep the morale up—and were wearing paramilitary clothes. Here, have a look—though this photo dates from 2010, when the chupacabra made a brief reappearance:
See? Inspires confidence, right? You wouldn’t mess with this dude!
Well, the entire island—especially that part of the island from the opposite party—was poking fun of Chemo, but guess what? He had the last laugh because Hollywood picked up on the story, and made a television movie starring Eric Estrada! Bijte? He who laughs last….
Now then, it turns out that the chupacabra was actually caught by a couple in Texas, as you can see in the clip below (which—even if you inexplicably have no interest in the chupacabra—you should definitely watch for the spectacularly retro-teased beehive hairdo of the wife). And quite a chupacabra it was—so what did they do with it?
Chupacabra Mystery
Dead Animal Won’t Be Tested
Texas can’t handle the truth!
That was the website TMZ’s headline four days ago. Sadly, the Texas couple—so staunch in their belief that it wasn’t a coon, a dog, a coyote—caved to the advice of an “expert” from the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department to put the animal down, because it was “suffering.” And now they refuse to do a necropsy, since “chupacabras are mythical creatures.”
Yeah?
And if you believe that, dear Reader, then might I remind you of the grassy knoll? The suspicious deaths of Lee Harvey Oswald and several key witnesses? The reports of multiple shots? Hah!
It’s a dark day indeed, Readers, here in sunny Puerto Rico….

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