Coming Soon—A Puerto Rican Sonnet!

“I’ve been reading up on sonnets, and I’ve decided I like the Shakespearean sonnet better than the Italian,” said Montalvo, who, until he had the misfortune of bumping into me, had happily whiled his time away with free verse. Here’s one example:

Magic Trick

Your memory

Can’t be forgotten…

Those eyes

Will always be

Remembered…

And my feelings

Will never

Die.

Montalvo has this thing—he thinks that any reader who sees a poem of a page and a half, with lines of ten or twelve syllables, will immediately have a mind freeze—too long, too complicated, too much work. So, his strategy? Short poems, short lines: get in, get to the point, get out.

“It sounds almost like a haiku,” said Mary Anne, a painter and professor, who had joined us for coffee, and had just heard one of Montalvo’s poems. So then it’s time to point out that even in a severely restricted form, a poem can have depth, can provoke thought. Challenged, I came up with the only example I could:

The wren


Earns his living


Noiselessly.

His response?

“What’s a wren?”

It’s both the best thing and the hardest thing of working with him—because so much of what I assume everyone will know? Well, people don’t.

“No pierda,” I tell him. We’re going over one of his poems.

“Hunh?”

“I really think you mean ‘no pierda’ instead of ‘no pierde.’”

Well, he’s unconvinced, and why shouldn’t he be? I learned Spanish, after all, in my 30’s. So he does what any kid would do: ask his buddy Carly. I wait for him to come back with the answer.

“It turns out that both are correct, but that I probably mean ‘no pierda,’” he reports.

“So what did they tell you?”

It was, I’m sorry to say, the usual half-baked explanation: better than “because it kinda sounds better,” but not by much.

“Has anybody told you about the subjunctive?”

“Sub—what?”

So we did the subjunctive: first in Spanish, then in English. That’s when he tells me the words that are daggers to the heart.  

“It’s totally cool that you’re teaching me stuff, ‘cause that’s what parents do. Nobody’s taught me anything since I was sixteen. My mom taught me how to do laundry. And now I hate doing laundry….”

16 to 21, his current age: five years.

And what have I taught him? Well, there’s the simple stuff—when to use “your” versus “you’re.” Yes, because this boy, a product of the State of Florida Department of Education? He slid through 12 years of English classes without learning what a contraction was.

Or there was the Saxon genitive—which most people simply call “apostrophes,” but if you can call it the Saxon genitive, well, why not? Right, so I stepped back in the classroom and did a little drilling:

“The house of Montalvo?”

“Montalvo’s house!”

And speaking of the Saxons, what did he say when I told him that—generally speaking—words of Anglo-Saxon origin tended to have more force than words derived from Latin?

“Marc?”

Well, then it was time to get down to some good examples:

“Defecation,” I tell him.

“Ummm, Latin?”

“Shit,” I say.

“Anglo-Saxon!”

“Intercourse,” I say.

He’s so excited, he virtually shouts out that four-letter word, and then goes off to give the news to Carly: “hey, you know where words like ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ come from?”

He’s bright, you see—he catches on quickly. He’s had everything but a structure (which is why I watched, and attached, the video below). Last week he wrote a villanelle. This week, it’s a sonnet.

Who knows where this is ending up?

Ah, Youth!

Well, the question, the sizzling question that bedeviled our days and vexed our nights was…

…would Montalvo be able to piss in a bottle?

He’s back, you see, having wedged his way in through the door of the sister shop first, and then having passed once or twice in the gift shop that adjoins the café—where he has worked and been fired so often that no one can remember how many times it’s been—and then having appeared in disguise on Tuesday night for Poetry Night.

“I was not in disguise,” sputters Montalvo, whose name has been changed to protect the guilty. Montalvo, you see, had formed a mystical, transcendental, liminal attachment to a rare blue bird—of which there are only five thousand or so in the world. Nor was it surprising, that attachment, which was greatly enhanced by a drug that only guys in Colorado can do legally. So he had a tangle—no, call it a collision—with the law, was the object of a lot of men’s attention during his eight-day jail stay, and got off by agreeing to piss in a bottle weekly for a year.

“I was wearing shades and a hoodie, that’s all,” say Montalvo.

“You looked like a hood, and nobody recognized you,” said Lady, “so that’s a disguise, right?”

So he’s back, which is where he should be, since home? Well, it’s sometimes not all domestic bliss.

“She was slapping me, just ‘cause I came home at 3 in the morning after smoking cigars and drinking whisky with some friends! Can you believe it? Slapping me, my own mother! And why do women think they got the right to slap men? If I did that to them, they’d call the cops on me, slap a restraining order on me, throw me in the jug! Sure, it doesn’t hurt, but it hurts here….”

He taps his chest above his heart.

“It’s your mom’s house,” I tell him. “Her house, her rules. You know what? My mother would never have allowed me back in the house, at age twenty-one, unless I were working—and paying rent—or studying. And there would always be rules, one of which would have been not coming home drunk at 3 AM. So why Puerto Rican women let their sons come home, use the place like a hotel, expect food and laundry services—I just don’t get it.”

He’s upset; his girlfriend has broken up with him. Oh, and slapped him around, too.

“You know what? If you got two people slapping you around, you must be doing something that really pisses them off. So maybe it’s time to think about what that is?”

Am I man enough to be a dad?

“Yeah, but it hurts here….”

Again the tap.

“They shouldn’t have done it, but that doesn’t let you off the hook,” I told him. It’s a balancing act, this fatherhood thing, and you gotta cut a little slack sometimes.

So we’ve agreed to get together every Friday and work on our projects: his first book of poetry, and my magnum opus,  A Year at The Poet’s Passage. It’s all the best posts of this illustrious and international blog. Order your copy today!

The problem? Montalvo doesn’t have a computer, just an iPad, and a keyboard that his sister doesn’t seem to be using, so he’s sure that he can take it….

“Do you want a third woman slapping you?”

Did I mention that Montalvo is fatally, and certainly criminally, twenty-one?

So that meant that Montalvo showed up around ten one night, when Mr. Fernández and I were sitting around, errr …. drinking whisky and smoking cigars. So guess who joined us?

It wasn’t enough, you see, to procure the legal services to save—and I mean this quite literally—Montalvo’s ass for eight days (he was the object or subject or maybe both of constant catcalls, those eight days in the slammer), now I had to lend him a computer. Why? Because whatever app he was going to use to process the words that would then turn to poetry probably wouldn’t produce a file format that any publisher could work with. Which was easier? Lend him my spare computer, or go through the headache of file conversion?

So here I am, writing this, and in thirty minutes he’s supposed to show up. Oh, and guess what? It turns out that we’re not going to be working on our projects but, instead, on his project, since what has Lady told him?

“You know, you can send me these poems, and they’re good and all, but they’re full of misspellings. I could correct them, but you know whose really a great editor? Who can really tear a new hole in you? Marc! Man, he’s fierce!”

Damn….

“So what did he say?”

“He said, ‘yeah, my man!’”

“That’s what he always says,” I tell her, and Lady goes off to see what might be going on in the kitchen.

So he’ll be here, or he won’t, and I’ll know, or I won’t, whether he peed in the bottle today because yesterday? It was the beginning of the National Stop (Paro Nacional—which should be General Strike, but I like National Stop better….) And indeed it was a national stop because all of the protesters took over the tunnel that connects everything to everything else, and nobody moved. Well, not the cars, at least, but the protesters had brought guitars and tambourines and various percussion instruments—all to keep up the ánimo, and very important that is—so there was plenty of stationary movement. As well as entertainment….

I think I’ve learned the first lesson of fatherhood….

…youth must be served!

Jus' Misbehavin'

It was another day in the café, and this time’s annoyance, for Lady,—owner and house painter—were the religious people.

“Can you believe it? They wanted me to customize a house, by putting this piece of scripture around the door. So I had to figure out—how to place the words for maximum effect, visually, but also for the meaning of the text. And it took me an hour or so, and I finally got what was the best design. So now they just called me, and they don’t like it; they say it looks too crowded. Oh, and guess what? It’s too crowded, but they want me to ADD more text! Can you believe that?”

“Working with the public...” I say, “It ain’t easy….”

“Right, and now they’re over at the other store, and there’s poor David, who’s half-atheist, and they’re grilling him about what church he goes to. So he tells them—he doesn’t go to church, which did to them what the red cape does to the bull. So they’re telling him there’s only one path to salvation, and David has to start stuffing his face with food, even though he’s not hungry, so as not to be able to talk. So now I have to go rescue David, and deal with the religious people, and change their little house, by adding more text which will make it—somehow—less crowded.”

“Ouch,” I said.

Lady brightened.

“Hey, why don’t you come with me? You could give me cover!”

“I’d probably misbehave,” I said. “With few exceptions, I can’t deal with heavily religious people. I make the Jehovah Witnesses crazy every time I pass them on the street—which is about seven times daily, they’re everywhere—by shouting my heartiest ¡Buenos días! followed by soy ateo. It makes them crazy….”

Soy ateo—I’m an atheist.

“Right,” said Lady, “OK, it would probably be a violation of fire code, or something, to have you guys together in the store. Pity, though….”

Well, I had been occupying myself with Jessye Norman for most of the morning, and was ready to take a break. First, though, it was time to check in on Naïa, to find what she had gotten up to.

“What is this, a siege mentality?,” I asked, since Naïa was sitting on a couch surrounded by six plastic chairs placed in a semicircle.

‘I don’t know what that is,” said Naïa.

I keep forgetting she’s twelve.

Well, I guessed right, because in fact Naïa was fortifying herself—and her dragon—from an imminent attack from her archenemy—for the purpose of this game—Alexia, also equipped with a dragon.

“Excellent idea,” I tell Naïa, “and putting the red pillows on the seats of the chairs will make, as you rightly pointed out, a standing-on-the-chairs attack less likely to succeed. But I can identify six gaping areas of vulnerability….”

“Don’t tell her,” said Naïa.

“I already knew,” said Alexia, who obviously didn’t.

An hour later, I came back to discover an additional six chairs, which had been placed on their backs, with the seats covering the space between the legs of the chairs in front of them.

Then I went to the grocery store, and, while waiting in line, thought, ‘well, why not?’ 

So I headed off to the other store, and gave Lady no chance to greet me.

“Excuse me, is your name Lady?”

“Last time I checked!”

“You don’t know me,” I said, “but they told me at the café that I could find you here. And that’s…”

I glance down at the casita, the little plaster house that Lady has painted, complete with the offending scripture.

“WOW, is that beautiful,” I exclaim. “That’s LOVELY! Did you do that? That’s incredible. And what’s the verse around the door?”

“Luke 17:4,” or some such thing, says Lady, who begins to rattle it off to me.

I’m nodding my head all the time.

“I know it well,” I breathe, my voice sopping with earnestness. “Ah, that verse has been with me in my darkest hours! How often, in moments of spiritual desolation, in the very darkest night of the soul, in those moments of spiritual anguish, when I most questioned the path that I had taken, that very verse accompanied me—nay, rescued me—from spiritual oblivion.”    

I pause to take a breath….

“It’s a masterpiece,” I tell Lady. “An unbelievable piece of work. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have seen it.”

Lady has recovered.

“Thanks,” she says, “I like it myself….”

Right, so I dash off, after fictitiously getting permission to play my cello at the café—“would it be ok…..?”—and having glanced at a very confused, as well as religious, woman.

An hour later, I’m playing Bach, after first noting that the siege has been lifted, or maybe the dragons have been banished—anyway, the forts are gone and the chairs are back to being chairs. So I work my way through G Major, get through d Minor, and then am in the prelude of the C Major when it happens.

A two-year old toddles in, looking intently at me, her round face framed by blonde curls. The Gerber people completely screwed up when they passed over this kid for the one on their bottles, and a note to any Renaissance painters out there…

…you’re seriously going to have to reconsider how you’re painting your cherubim.

So she watches me, intently, and that’s permitted, since part of what I do, pretentiously speaking, is audience building. And who doesn’t like little girls? So, she stares, and then begins to…

…pee.

All right, that’s a first, so what to do? Well, I take my cello to the bathroom—another first—and grab some paper towels. Then I go back to the little girl, who has taken off her little panties and is trying to mop the floor with them.

“No te preocupes”, I tell the little girl. “Pero ¿dónde está tu mamá?”

Don’t worry, but where’s your mom?

A woman appears, and says something I don’t get. Then Gaby, from the café, appears with some little red flip-flops. Next, Elizabeth appears, and she gets the mop. At this point, the girl has vanished.

“That lady shouldn’t have that child,” says Elizabeth. “She can’t take care of her, she’s retarded or crazy or something.”

“Some asshole got that poor girl pregnant,” says the normally pacific Jorge; it’s the first time I’ve heard him swear. “I see her pushing her daughter in the stroller down the middle of the street, right in front of the Hacienda building. And the traffic is totally backed up behind her….”

“That’s horrible,” I said, “shouldn’t we report?”

“Don’t know,” said Jorge. “They’ll come and take the child away, but where will they put her?”

“You know what she did when I told her ‘no?’ She was about to sweep some ceramic houses off the counter, so I bent down and told her ‘no’—firmly but gently. And then guess what?”

Elizabeth puts down the mop and begins slapping both sides of her face with both hands, saying ‘NO’ with each blow.

“That’s what her mother is doing to her,” say Raf, when I tell him hours later.

‘Life is so damned unfair,’ I think. ‘There’s Naïa, whose one worry is of a dragon snatching, and then there’s this little girl, and can you imagine—if she’s pissing on the floor in a café—what her house looks and smells like? And there are two people—Edwin and the woman I don’t like—who are homeless, and sleeping in the most comfortable corners of the café they can find, probably because they’re up all night. And then there’s Elizabeth, who hasn’t gotten child support for months, and who decided it was too much trouble….’

‘And the worst of it? It’s all around us, and we go blind to it. Remember that study of people walking past their closest relatives, who were dressed up as street people? There’s so much out there that we’ve trained ourselves not to see, and everyone knows this woman can’t take care of her child, but we all do nothing, which is the most heartbreaking thing of all.’

‘It’s some screwy world,’ I think, ‘Raf and I can’t even get married in Puerto Rico, much less have a child, but this woman? Not a problem—she can have as many children as she wants. So it’s a question: a cherub walks into my life, pisses on the floor, and what to do—report it to the Departamento de la Familia or not?’

I learned a long time ago: I have more questions than answers, and that’s the way it should be.

But I wish I had the answer to this question….

Where We Cannot Go

What happened to him should never happen to any parent. Because however difficult it might be to lose a child in an accident, or through disease, how much more difficult would it be to lose a child through suicide?

Nor was it the case that they hadn’t tried everything, hadn’t gone to the best hospitals, hadn’t gotten the finest doctors. But a decade before he took his life, Matthew had gone sobbing to his father. “It’s pretty clear,” he had said, “I’m not getting better and I’m never going to get better. So why shouldn’t I kill myself? I know I’m going to heaven, Dad. So why not kill myself now?”

His father was a minister; his answer reflected that.

“Sometimes we don’t know why we’ve been given such great pain, Son. But there is a reason, and we’ll find out in the end. But I am never, ever, as a father going to give up looking for a solution to your problem….”

And it had gone on for years. Matthew, their third child, had been a remarkable child; since birth, he had been different. Shy, sensitive, he could sense in a moment the person in the room who was hurting the most, and would make a beeline for him or her. For the rest of the evening, he would stay by that person’s side, laughing, joking, trying to cheer him or her up.

“He had an amazing ability to help people, and he knew it,” his father said. “He once told me, ‘the only person I can’t help is me….’”

Yes, different; different almost from birth. The father had feared something was wrong from the very beginning; indeed, almost from the day Matthew had been born, his father had started to dread that his son would kill himself. There was that sensitivity, the inability to shrug off pain, a softness that wasn’t like other boys’. He played different, he acted different, he…well, was different.

And so they had prayed, yes, but they also knew—they had to get help. It all came clear after the first suicide attempt; then there was no choice. Matthew had swallowed the Tylenol and had left the bottle on the bed when they found him. It was, as the doctor said, the classic call for help.

Help that, despite their best efforts, they could not give him. They tried—they lost count of the number of psychiatrists, psychologists, family counselors, pastors, prayer groups, professionals, friends…  It was numbing, after a while, and in itself depressing, as well.

“We had pulled him off from the edge more than once,” said his mother. “And the night before, Matthew and I were in his bedroom, and I was begging for him not to kill himself. And he was crying and sobbing and rocking on his bed, and all I could do was hold him, and beg him to go on, and tell him that it would get better, and he just cried harder, and started pounding on the bed and shouting that I didn’t understand. That it was never going to get better and that he was in so much pain and he couldn’t go on—and it was so unfair of me to ask him to take this pain, he couldn’t bear it. He was screaming in my face that no mother would want her child in so much agony. And I was screaming back that I couldn’t let him die, I just couldn’t, no mother could. And I couldn’t bear it, seeing him in such pain and there was nothing, NOTHING I could do to help him. My son, my son, in so much pain! And I remembered when he was a child—he’d fall and cry and I’d pick him up and it would be OK. And I never imagined that there would come a day or a night when I couldn’t help him.”

“At last, he quieted down, and began to talk about going home. And something, I don’t know, something didn’t feel right. He was too calm; too collected. He had gone too quickly from utter despair to being, well, collected. We begged him to stay, we pleaded with him to stay, but he was firm. And that’s when he said it. He turned around, as he was leaving, and said, very slowly, very forcefully, ‘you know, if you ever call the police on me, or call 911 to get me help, it’s an instant suicide.’”

“I was stunned—the look in his eye was awful. But it was his voice, how cool he was, as if he had settled on something. Of course, neither of us could sleep, and we kept calling and calling. I texted him—‘just send me one word, ONE word telling me you’re OK.’ Then we drove to the house, about three in the morning. All the lights were on. That’s when I knew—but we didn’t have a key. And what should I do? Should I call 911? Was it a bluff? Would he really have the courage, or the desperation or the despair to do it? So we were sobbing, Rick and I, and holding each other in the driveway, and praying. And that’s when I knew. We left, and then got the call from the police department. We went to the house, and a cop came out, and we looked at him and he just nodded.”

All right, Readers, why have I spent 891 words telling you this story? Because I read in The New York Times last week that Rick Warren, the pastor of the mega-church Saddleback Church, and an outspoken opponent of marriage equality, was going to start a mental health outreach ministry in his church. Why? Because, with some poetic license, the story of Matthew, above, is the story of Matthew Warren, Rick and Kay’s son.

It happened just over a year ago, and if I knew about it, I had forgotten it. But what’s significant about the story—for me, at least—is that I immediately assumed Matthew was gay (which of course was why I was banging that “sensitivity” drum up there). So I turned to find a picture of him, since gaydar will—very occasionally—work with photos. Here he is, and no, it didn’t work….

Well, it’s a heart-breaking photo, this boy who seems to be telling us, ‘one day you will know, you will see, you will understand this half-smile of mine…” And it’s sad, as well, that even in death, Matthew’s photo, when I saved it just now, had “rick-warren’s-son” as the default save option. Matthew was not Matthew, but Rick Warren’s son.

Nor was I the only gay man who had wondered about the question, since apparently Twitter and the social networks erupted. And I’m sorry to report that a number of my gay brethren pounced on the death as god-or-the-devil-sent stick with which to beat up Rick Warren. Here’s one example….

Was @rickwarren's son gay? Maybe conversion therapy, condemnation and hatred towards gays was too much for matt...#ripmatt

— Samir Perez (@SamirPerez) April 7, 2013

That is by no means the most egregious; here is one of the 70 comments made to the article referenced above:

I wish I could come up with the right set of sentences that would drive this pain (if Mr. Warren actually feels such, being an experienced con man) deep, deep into Mr. Warren such that he could no longer cling to his sick delusions of god service.

The only 'god' Rick Warren serves is himself. He has poisoned the minds of millions.

He is NOT a friend to democracy.

Religion comforts...and cripples.

Or how about this:

Rick Warren's son has committed suicide // ‪#IWOULDTOOIFIWASHIM ‪#FUCKRICKWARREN ‪#UGANDA ‪#GAY ‪#EXECUTIONS ‪#LAKEFOREST

Guys? There are some places we cannot go, and just as we abhor the Phelps family—which of course came out and said the usual about Rick being an apostate and worshipping a false God and, anyway, no matter what, God hates you-know-whom—we cannot, let me say it again, we CANNOT do this to a suffering family.

That much I knew. What didn’t I know?

The skinny on Rick Warren’s celebrated AIDS program in Africa.

Drop by tomorrow, and I’ll tell you all about it….

The Curious Case of the Parrot Rustler, Resolved

Now that it’s over, now that the stress is off, now that justice has been done…but wait, was it?

Readers of this blog know the story—Montalvo, a 21-year old kid whom I barely know but who has made me several hundred dollars of excellent coffee, got it into his head to…wait, I’ll do bullets:

·      Get stoned up to his tits

·      Wander the streets of Old San Juan

·      Interact with a blue macaw, estimated value $15,000

·      Really look into the bird’s eye

·      Feel a magical connection to the bird

·      Magical turns to mystical!

·      Share a destiny with the bird

·      Remember that it’s his mother’s birthday

·      Put the bird on his shoulder

·      Take numerous selfies of himself and the bird

·      Decide to give the bird to his mother

·      Stroll to his apartment in the seaside community of La Perla, where the police arrest him

You may ask, and Montalvo—in his stoned-up-to-his-tits state was probably asking as well—why did the police arrest him? What was the big deal?

There are, it appears, people in this world who bring an unduly fussy approach to the concept of private property. As well, that macaw was a working bird, since its job was, yes, to sit on shoulders, as it obligingly did with Montalvo. Unfortunately, Montalvo, instead of venturing to La Perla, was supposed to smile, get his picture taken, and then pay 20 bucks and take the photo.

There was another problem—the picturesque seaside community of La Perla has a commendable system of local justice: it’s swift, cost-effective and certainly efficient. And for certain offenses, the community….

OK—drop the ironic voice. Two days ago, somebody stumbled on a dead body right in front of La Perla, and I spent several hours worrying that it was Montalvo.

“There was a guy with a tattoo of a number under his right eye—and he spent several hours looking through the window,” said María, who works in the coffee shop where Montalvo had worked and been fired seven times. There’s something about Montalvo—he has second chances as cats do lives.

The guy with the tattoo was replaced by a punk with a mohawk.

The community, you see, was interested in resolving an issue with Montalvo, since he had violated a sacred precept of the group: you don’t bring the police into La Perla.

So that was a problem, since the owner of the café has her 14-year old daughter being home-schooled in the café.

For this act of parrot rustling, Montalvo was sent to prison in a neighboring town, where the first question presented to him was his gang affiliation. The prisons, you see, are segregated by gangs, in this case either the Ñetas or the G27s. And how do all these gentlemen get along? All amicable in the gang world?

To give you an idea—the G27s call the Ñetas gusanos, or worms. The Ñetas call the G27s insectos.

Montalvo, in short, was going to have to declare an affiliation. Nor was that the worst—Montalvo was 21, relatively short, and cute. So what had saved his virginity, those eight days he spent in jail before his mom bailed him out? Well, he’s a vegetarian, and the prison was reliably feeding him meat. So Montalvo gave the meat to his cellmate, who announced to everybody that Montalvo was off limits, guys, Montalvo was his meat, so to speak. So, for eight days it worked, but would it work for eight years?

“Where the hell are his parents,” I said to Lady. Well, the father has been out of the picture for most of a decade. Mom has no money, and not much patience, since this road? It’s not the road less traveled.

There’s a wonderfully descriptive and extremely coarse word —beginning with the letters pendej… in Spanish which means a little pubic hair. Why? Because there are some people who sit around and watch while someone else is having all the fun.

Also, there are some people who pay while someone else has the fun….

“So what are we gonna do,” I ask Lady.

Lady knew a lawyer, who put the matter quite succinctly to Montalvo: you fucked up.

For that he went to law school?

So all was perfectly splendid; Montalvo drifted off to Arecibo, to spend quality time with his grandmother and get away—very incidentally—from the heated air of Old San Juan. During that time, and the day before the trial, we got the tab for the lawyer.

It was not cheap.

Nor was it unreasonable. Because the likelihood that Montalvo could sail into court, get everything settled in one day, and walk out was less than likely. The cops had to show up, and guess what? They worked a night shift the night before, and then they’re gonna go sit in court all day? Nah—so they don’t show up. Or the parrot guy—who, by the way, had been convicted of stealing a parrot himself, or so said the street—he might not show up. Not to mention the judge…. In short, in Puerto Rico we have a plethora of people who might not show up….

It came down to the wire—what were we gonna do? Would we throw Montalvo to the wolves, let him take his chances with a public defender, and live with knowing that Montalvo was getting raped in prison?

Readers, send me congratulations and prayers.

I’m a father.

Damn fool got two years probation.

Just don’t expect cigars.

I’m broke!

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Montalvo?

“It’s like walking into a sit-com,” said Gaby, who both works and frequents The Poet’s Passage, where I write. “All the familiar characters are there. Marc is writing, Johann is reading or napping, Carlos is being a pirate. It’s wonderfully normal and predictable.”

That could be true. For example, a gentleman in white tights, white face, and a red nose has just greeted me—silently—by offering his hand and then posing in still life for several seconds. So if you’re a clown, or a writer, or a pirate—well, where else do you go?

Which may have been why it wasn’t surprising, somehow, when Lady, the owner of the café, told me the news, “Montalvo’s in jail.”

“What,” I said, “what did he do?”

“He stole a parrot!”

“Yeah, from the parrot guy, who works down by the cruise ships, when they come in. You know, he has five or six parrots, and he charges twenty bucks for a picture of the parrots resting on your arms and shoulders. Good business….”

“Montalvo stole one of that guy’s parrots?!”

“Yeah, and then he went running into La Perla, where he lives, and the cops were chasing after him, and now he’s in prison in Bayamón….” 

“Wow—didn’t think the police went into La Perla…”

“Well, they usually don’t,” said Lady, “but they did for Montalvo!”

My friend Sonia once described La Perla as a modern medieval city; medieval because it sprang up without planning between the walls of Old San Juan and the sea. It’s a hodgepodge of streets, alleys, walkways and once ramshackle wood houses that sheltered the poor but honest people who worked in Old San Juan. Now? Well, it’s rumored to be a haven for drug dealers. The only time the police go into La Perla, in general, is when they can do it essentially as the Army went into Iraq: shock and awe.

“So what are we going to do about Montalvo,” I asked Lady.

“His mother called me—and she doesn’t want me to bail him out. He’s 21 years old, and she wants him to learn his lesson. So she told me—no bail.”

Montalvo, you see, has worked for the café seven times, and has also been fired from the café seven times. At the time of his arrest, he was in the fired phase, and thus had no money.

“So why did he steal the parrot,” I asked.

“It was his mother’s birthday, and he didn’t have anything to give her!”

“So he stole the parrot!”

“Well, for his mother….” said Lady defensively, and then she started to laugh.

“I just have this picture of Montalvo running like crazy with the parrot on his shoulder, and the cops with their billy-clubs chasing after him, like the Keystone Cops….”

OK—so his mother didn’t want him out on bail. The plan then became to visit on Saturday, possibly with a cake with a metal file in it.

That was until yesterday.

“Eight whole fucking days, and not one fucking person called to find out how I was! I was in there over a fucking week, and who calls? So today, I call all the missed calls, and guess what? They all wanted something—not one of them was calling about me! So fuck all of them!”

He’s angry, and also buzz-cut—prison apparently takes after the army that way. We talk him down.

“Well, I was high, up to my tits,” he said. “And the thing was, the parrot came to me! I mean, the guy was texting or screwing around with his phone—he wasn’t even paying attention to his birds! And then the parrot jumped on my lap! So there I am, patting this bird and really getting into him and he’s looking at me with these intense eyes, and the next thing I know, I’m walking—fucking WALKING, not running—away with the bird. I mean, I even stopped and took selfies of me and the bird! I mean, look.”

He handed over the phone….

“It’s sort of a twist on the Monty Python routine,” I said.  “’I ain’t stealing the parrot, it was restin’ on my shoulder….’”

We passed the phone around.

“The bird looks great,” I said, “but Jesus, Montalvo, you look stoned!”

“…to my tits,” he repeated.

“And what kind of bird was it,” I said. “Gorgeous color….”

“That’s the thing,” said Montalvo, “of all the fucking birds, I had to go steal the most expensive one: a Blue Macaw. I mean, there are like 3,000 of them in the entire world, and there’s a list of everyone who owns one. So what the hell was I going to do with a Blue Macaw in La Perla? I didn’t have a cage, I didn’t have anything to feed it, I didn’t have any money to buy it food….”

“Champagne taste,” I told him.

“So how much was the bird worth,” I asked.

“That’s the thing—I had to go steal a 25,000 dollar bird!”

“What!”

“Yeah, 25,000 fucking dollars.

“Yeah, the cops were telling me ‘if you had stolen one of the $500 dollar birds, your bail would have been a lot less’ and they were right,’ he said. And went on to say, “you know, I’m really glad they arrested me, because if not, the dealers in La Perla would have killed me and fed me to the sharks….”

Justice outside the walls of the city is a little different.

“Do you have any experience representing parrot rustlers,” I asked Kayla. Because, guess what? It’s four PM, and Montalvo has his preliminary hearing in court at 8:30 the next morning. And Montalvo, with the twelve dollars in his pocket?

Right—it’s now Adventures in Paternity, or Fatherhood 101, or maybe a sort of alternative to the old TV show, “This Is Your Life”—all the people who weren’t in your life. Because I’m now feeling quite father-like.

“He’s a basically good kid,” I told Kayla, who’s a lawyer. “So I haven’t told him what my father told my brother….”

“What was that,” she said.

“Montalvo, you are going to HAVE to be honest, because you are too goddamned STUPID to be a criminal!”

“Did he wince,” said Kayla.

“Well, he looked down at the floor,” I told her. “So I guess that’s a wince.”

Guess what? Lawyers drink coffee, which is really good news, since Lady looked up and realized with a start: that wasn’t a customer, that was the cavalry coming over the hill.

The moment comes.

“How are we doing this,” I ask her. The lawyer has been getting Montalvo’s side of the story. But there’s a problem—he’s not a criminal lawyer, and he’s not sure that he’s up to the job. So he wants to consult his partner—who is a criminal lawyer.

“Half and half,” said Lady. “That’s how we always do it, right?”

Who knows how much it’ll be, but what are we going to do? The judge told him, the day she set bail, that if convicted, Montalvo could face eight years in jail.

“I’m gonna go out and find that parrot guy,” said Lady. “What if he dropped the charges? We’ll tell him that Montalvo’s the future national poet of Puerto Rico, he’s 21, he was stoned.”

“Up to my tits,” said Montalvo, who apparently likes the phrase.

“I’d go with an animal activist defense,” said Jessica, who had drifted by, kissed Montalvo, rubbed his buzz cut. “The bird was clearly abused and was attracted to Montalvo’s energy.”

“He was probably attracted to Montalvo’s dope fumes,” I said, “since we now know that Montalvo…”

“Up to…”

I cut him off.

“Do you have a tie?” I asked Montalvo. It’s now several hours later, and it occurred to me—what was he going to wear to court? So there Montalvo was, in my apartment, rummaging for shoes to wear.

“Too bad the shoes aren’t black,” I told him. “Otherwise, with the white shirt, black pants, and a tie, you make a perfect Mormon missionary!”

So we tied his tie for him, loosened it, and sent him on his way. I tell Raf that Montalvo is one stupid kid, but what could I do?

“Look at it this way,” he said, “at least you never had to change his diaper….”